The Journey Never Ends

     A few months ago I realized I really wasn't feeling the best. I was extremely tired out, not the normal tired. The type of tired that I really had to push myself hard every day, to put in the efforts to shower and do my hair and makeup for the day . I felt nauseous, and there were days I would look at myself and my color just wasn't right. I was also bleeding, a lot and it came to a point that it seemed so constant that I knew there was something wrong. But my parents were coming all the way from Canada and I just did my best to push everything aside. It was more important for me to do my best to create some amazing memories with my folks and my husband. 

     We got through the wonderful month with my folks, and right back to "normal" life. But something just wasn't right for me. And I just couldn't ignore it anymore. So to the doctors I went. My blood pressure was extremely high and my doc was worried about the amount of blood loss I was experiencing, so we did a few more tests. I was sent for what's called the LLETZ procedure, which is a large loop excision to remove cervical tissue for examination. A thin wire loop heated by an electrical current is used like a scalpel to remove the abnormal tissue from the transformation zone of the cervix. And the results that came back from that....well it was cervical cancer. 

     So what came next was the very harsh reality that I was totally unprepared for. It meant meeting my team of specialists and my surgeon. Asking what questions I could remember on the spot and staying clear minded enough that I could keep my self in check with what was to come. So that I could prepare myself, my husband, family and friends for a long road, one way or the other. And on top of all that, thinking and staying positive. Firstly and most importantly, for myself, but also for everyone around me that cares and loves me. It wouldn't help myself or anyone else if I was a sad sacks all the time. Plus that goes against every grain in my body. 

     It all happened very quick. One day I'm making a video about my phone call of the shitty news I have received, and the next I'm in a hotel room trying to prepare myself for my extensive surgery that was going to happen the next day. My husband was doing "his best", which meant that he was extremely quiet and didn't really know what to say or do. So instead he just watched me float around, making sure my bags were properly packed for him to bring me once I was settled in my recovery room. And I was answering loving phone calls and text messages from near and far, showing love, support and well wishes. I knew I had to go to bed and try to get some sort of sleep or even a rest, but my mind was racing with thoughts that seemed too many to compartmentalize. All I knew was that it was going to be a very long day the next day and the recovery process, whatever that may be, will take even longer. So I was trying to prepare my stubborn self for the FACT that I had to slow down and make sure that I was the top priority on the getting well train.

     The next morning came,  the day of surgery. I felt anxious and couldn't really tell if I was scared on top of that. I was told there were only three of these procedures done in one day, so I wanted to get there early to hopefully be the first one of the day, to hurry up and start recovery. And for once, being early paid off. I was the first surgery of the day, which meant I could get this show on the road. After my paperwork prep I was wheeled off to get physically prepped for surgery. It was then, that with tears in our eyes, my husband and I gave our sweet kisses and said "I'll see you in a bit babe", to one another. I was worried about him, more than myself. I had a sinking suspicion that his inner monster called depression, would bring it's ugly self to the surface. But I had to push that aside for the time being, so I could focus on the millions of repetitive questions that were being asked, and to keep positive.

     When I woke from surgery I just remember waking up in my recovery room. And the beginning part of it all was a blur. As time went on, the pain I was experiencing was out of this world. And I felt so sick to my stomach. I was throwing up, A LOT. And I say A LOT, because my nurses told me in comparison to most, it was A LOT. During recovery they want to get you up and mobile as soon as they can... and I wanted to do the same. I kept telling myself, "the sooner you get your ass up and moving, the sooner you can go home to your own space and comfort". So I tried. Hard. But the pain on my right side felt like I was being cut open with a burning hot serrated knife on the inside. I couldn't even stand up straight. And this seemed to continue, so my pain meds were looked at and all in all were changed three times. The second dose of new meds, were given to me through my epidural which I had in my back for three days. And they completely numbed my entire right side from waist down. So when the lovely nurses tried to get me into the shower chair, dropping me buck naked was not the best time of my life! But we had a good chuckle over it through my severe pain! LOL

     So the week went on in hospital. The surgical team and nurses that were wonderfully taking care of me were so amazing, as were my physiotherapists. They were all so friendly and I could always make them laugh and put a smile on their faces. I truly could not have asked for better care. And then came discharge day. HALLELUJAH !!! As sore as I was, and as weak as I felt, I put on my brave face and smiles and couldn't wait to go home. It was a little daunting as well. Because I had such amazing care in the hospital and could rely on the fact I knew someone would be right there for me, I knew it wouldn't quite be the same at home. But nonetheless I was ready to go. The head of anesthesiology came in to see me and go over my medications for home recovery, he was very unsure as to whether or not he should let me go home. He proceeded to apologize to me for the amount of unnecessary pain I was in. Stating that, " I had had a really rough go of it and it shouldn't have been that way. That my pain meds weren't handled the way they should have been for my relief". As much as I agreed with him, at that point I was just used to the pain I was in I didn't know any different. And I had it set in my mind that I was ready to go home, so that's exactly what I did. 

     And the journey continues...

Curve Balls

     So while I'm writing these blogs and getting back so many lovely messages from friends/family and new friends/strangers, I realized that most of the return comments, are in part of wishing me the best and hoping that things turn around for my husband and I. Now while I know this all comes from a place of love and genuine care, I want everyone to know that as I have said in previous blogs, "I got this". And I will continue to have it until I can't anymore. 

     Even though this past year has thrown some real curve balls,( and is continuing to do so), it has also been such an amazing year, in which we have been truly blessed in so many ways and by so many people. When you are looking ahead and the world chucks some adversities at you, you power through. You find the glory in the moments that present themselves to you. Instead of looking down you keep your head up, breath deep and appreciate.

     As I am writing this, my husband and I are sitting at a friends cottage. It's placed on top of a hill and has a wonderful view. The sheep are in the paddock, the possum is climbing the tree, and the stunningly impressive sounds of the birds, are enough to make you want to stop and just sit. Or write! 

     Sure I'm not feeling the best, and therefore not at the top of my game, but coming here for just one night has been so rejuvenating for the soul. My soul. I'm still taking it easy and listening to the doctors,( and by doctors, I mean my husband, mother in law and anyone else who knows  me well enough), who say that I need to just take it easy and try not to be so damn stubborn for once in my life. This is NOT my strong point, but for sure has been a real good learning curve for me:) This whole year has been a real learning curve!  Sure my husband was diagnosed with depression and while it was so easy for people to think that he was just a miserable prick, he was actually hitting HIS all time low. And yes, I got shingles on my face of all f*#king places. It wasn't attractive and it was painful. And now facing the health issues I have been confronted with, has not made for the best year of my life- health wise that is. 

     But with any darkness comes some sort of light. And I choose to see the light. To stop and smell the roses, to hear the sounds and songs of nature, to breath in the freedom and wanderlust for life that I truly have. I try and have an upbeat outlook on life. Now this isn't to say that I don't feel a bit down some days, or have a cry in the shower, or shed tears when I'm feeling at my personal weakest. It just means that for every bad day I am having or could, I have more days that lift me up! And it's not that I'm creating that. The days experiences and life, do it all on their own. It's right in front of you - realize it!  Be present in the moments of your own life! 

     I'm a good person. I want the best for everyone. I would never see harm on anyone,  friend or foe. And I truly believe that the universe is on my side. Sure the universe may send me those curve balls, but baseball was the one sport in school I actually liked! :)

     Since being in New Zealand, we have been blessed with some amazing friends who have shown us, and continue to show us, the true meaning of graciousness. We have really hit the jackpot in the friends department that's for sure! And while the kiwi people are laid back, hard working, always willing to lend a hand and kind, I like to think that if they didn't see the genuine me or us, they wouldn't be so forth coming with their generosities. 

     So yes, sure, this year has been a real shit storm of health problems for my husband and I, but the highlight real of the true story has been AMAZING!!! We miss our family and friends dearly. Skype and face time aren't the same as a hug, but the allowance of human growth for both my husband and myself has been phenomenal. We feel a sense of peace here in New Zealand that has filled our lungs with a different breath of life. But sometimes it's just time to move on. To get out of your comfort zone and create a life you know you deserve but maybe didn't expect. 

     As "they" say, there will always be ebs and flows in ones life, but during those ebs and flows, make the most of every moment, even if it hurts. Fill your soul to the brim with the smiles and experiences that have gravitated your way. Realize that your "SOUL" purpose on a daily is to make your life just a bit better. By being a good person, holding the door for someone, and choosing to see the light in your own personal battles. 

     You have one crack at this....make it count! Swing hard at those curve balls! 

Guilt

     Can I start by saying that as rough and as shit as this first year in New Zealand has been, in regards to unexpected health issues with my husband and myself, it has really proven itself to be one of the most POSITIVE emotionally challenging times of my life. I can't speak for my husband...( well I can and I do lol:), but I think it would be safe to say that he would agree with me,  in that this move was meant to be one of a new way of life for us. A more Zen approach to the way we want to live. But it's been a tough go thus far, leaving family back home to ask and wonder why we wanted to move here to begin with and why we would want to stay. But what they don't understand is that, the clouds do separate and the sun does shine, even on the darkest of days. You just can't be blind to it. 

     With Billy being diagnosed with depression early on and then me getting shingles from the stress of that, we thought, holy shit we have horrible luck! And then just when my husband is coming around and in the best place he has EVER been mentally and emotionally, I have ran into some pretty serious health concerns. And I can honestly say, this is truly the worst I have ever felt. And looked! Even shingles weren't this bad. And do you know why? Because it's the waiting game that is killing me. The not knowing, the feeling like I'm physically dying from the inside out and not being able to do a damn thing about it. And what I can be doing about it, like rest and relaxation, is something that I'm not good with. I'm a giver - not a taker. And this needing to put myself first and take care of me, is new to me. I come from a family of tough, stubborn, "dig deep" type of people. And the last thing I would call myself is weak.

     Coming from an upbringing of digging deep and just dealing, has led me to a life of putting on a brave face. Which doesn't work. I can say, "I'm good" all I want, but when the closest people to me notice that I'm just being stubborn and I'm clearly NOT GOOD, well then what's the point of the "brave face?" When I'm going to work and can't find the strength to put on makeup and lipstick, and just barely throwing my hair into a messy bun, is all I can muster, I can "say" I'm digging deep all I want...but at the end of the day it's a load of shit! Because my body is screaming at me otherwise. I pride myself on paying attention and listening to others, but when it comes to myself, I'm totally dropping the ball! 

     So I realised (stubbornly of course), that I need to find that place of selfish inside me that I talk about. That place of it's ok to let yourself just be. To take care of yourself first and foremost because you are all you've got! That being stubborn right now isn't working for me. Thinking about how my illness is effecting everyone else right now and not myself, isn't working for me. SO what happens then?...In turn I take longer to get better and I'm no good to anyone. And that isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. I deserve to take the time I need in the short term to feel better in the long term. 

     I asked my mom the other day about where I got this guilt shit from. And it's definitely something that runs in my family. I think in some ways, many of them take on the feeling of guilt because it's easier than dealing with their issues. But I can safely say, it's not the same for me. I'm more than happy to deal with my issues, and I do! When I have something to say - I just say it! If I have a question, I ask! For me, I believe it's the feeling of never wanting people to think I would take them for granted. Or that I am here for them, but only when it's convenient for me. But at this point in my life and during the struggles I am currently facing, it's not a matter of worrying about everyone else, it's a matter of knowing that I NEED to worry about ME. It's not a bad thing to stop and really listen to your body. I can push and power through everything I put my mind to, but there comes a time when a person just has to surrender to what's screaming out at you. And that time is NOW for me.

     So here I am, pushing my guilt aside, saying no to things I physically can't do. Sleeping in without feeling I should be getting up. Taking a nap if and when I need one. Listening to my body, instead of everyone else and giving it the love it needs to get well and be better quicker. 

     Guilt is a useless emotion (as my sister from another mister, and long distance love of my life puts it). So I am going to vow to you all who are reading this now, that I'm going to let go of the feeling of guilt when it's simply just not necessary in my life. I'm going to allow myself the deserved love and care it needs, and I'm going to say "NO" to things when I'm not feeling up to them or maybe it's just that I would rather stay at home on the couch and eat chips. And do you know why...because I can! 

     #NOGUILTHERE

"Look Within Yourself, There You Will Find The Answers"

     People often ask me who I talked to and what I did/do for an outlet when dealing with my husband and his depression. And to be completely honest there isn't some magical answer that I can give. I just trusted myself to find the answers, either within myself or through research and reading. It was a real test of who I am as a person, and that continues daily. There were definitely the days I sat at home alone, crying to myself because I didn't want him to see me struggling. He didn't need all that, with all that he was struggling with already. I took the time out to cry and then get it together for when he got home from work. And it wasn't that I couldn't trust other people, or family, but I just felt at that time, no one would really understand what "we" were going through. 

     It is very easy for people to judge from the outside. It's very easy for someone else to look in and say," oh he will be fine! Don't coddle him. He just needs to get over himself". Or there is the flip side of that where they  say to me, " you are putting your husband first, and you don't worry enough about yourself. Let's go away for a weekend, you need a break!" And sure , would I love to pack my bags and get out of dodge for a weekend, absolutely! But in my husbands darkest of days, the very last place I needed to be and wanted to be,  was away from him. Leaving him with nothing but negative thoughts and a sense of loneliness.  I'm not living my life to please everyone else. We are all doing our best here. And if our best isn't someone else's best, that's alright. I knew that there would be a day that I could pack my bag and go away with the girls. But until things were going better for him, I stayed true not only to my wedding vows, but also to the core of who I am. 

     I made sure Billy had a routine. Because that's what someone who is dealing with depression responds to, but also that's what my husband responds best to. In saying that, one of the hardest things when dealing with this and teaching myself how to help him, was to remember that he also was a person. That DEPRESSION DIDN'T DEFINE WHO HE WAS AS A MAN. I remembered that when we first met, Billy liked his routine. Right from the time he opened his eye's to his routine poo's! He works best when he knows what's coming. He was never someone who liked to be around a lot of people, or for very long. So I always made sure to get us out of dinners or functions, as soon as I saw that blank look come over his face. You know the one. The "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" look.

      I guess It just simply takes understanding and forgiveness. That's what you do for the one's you love. When you see the person who you absolutely adore, struggling so strongly and deeply, you dig deep yourself. You find the answers you don't even realize you have within you. You have to be selfless and put yourself on the back burner. And when there are the times you want to pull your hair out from frustration, you can't. You have to do your very best to understand that this is something "they" are internally dealing with. That this isn't where they want to be either. So if you are going to loose your shit, it's not going to help matters. 

     I truly believe that my place as a wife, and quite simply, a caring human being, is to help and support those in need. I believe that one's life becomes better fulfilled when reaching out in a genuine way with love and support. So, when asked how I still, to this day, handle my husbands depression...my answer is,...he didn't ask for this illness, it came without notice. It came with hurt, pain, anger, fear, loss, and confusion. And because he means absolutely EVERYTHING to me, I WANTED to go places that may be uncomfortable to visit, but it's what I knew he needed. And it's EXACTLY where I wanted to be. By his side!

It's Ok To Just Be YOU!

     I wanted to write this blog because it's something that is always on my mind, but even more so now. Just recently, my parents flew out from Canada to visit my husband and I for a month. And they stayed with us the entire time. Now to say this was easy, would be.........well...... a LIE!!!! So I won't do that to you! But I will say, that even though we had our moments, it was such a special time for us. We kept them very busy and my personal goal was to make sure they didn't have to lift a finger while they were staying with us. Mission accomplished!

     It was a real personal test for me while they were staying with us. It was great to take that opportunity to keep my  eyes open to the real person that " I Am". And to allow myself the process of being my true authentic self. For years, I have struggled with feeling guilty for so many things. And through this journey with my husband, I realized that I need to work through that and find my truth in the reasons why.

      I think we sometimes allow ourselves to hold back who we really are, for fear that we may disappoint. Or for me, I attached a sort of guilt for having my own thoughts and or feelings towards things, because it would then be "so unlike me". When in reality it wasn't "unlike me" at all! In fact, it was quite the contrary. My nearest and dearest best friends will tell you that I have ALWAYS been a straight up type of gal. Someone who, "says it like it is", and I won't apologize for that, because I have nothing to prove. And now, I can say, that even though that feeling of guilt is still there, I don't surrender to it. Why?... because I'm just ME. And I'm more than ok with that.

     A big part of my husband learning how to deal with his struggle with depression, is to take a really good look in the mirror. Even when there are times he would rather smash that mirror and take the bad luck that goes with it. But in saying that, having this proverbial mirror to his face, he has really taken the initiative to search out the answers that have been his blocking factor for so many years. And in doing so, this has allowed him to better take a realistic look at the how's and why's of his illness. 

     I know dear and close friends that struggle with this illness and have a very hard time opening up. It is a worry to me, that they don't feel that they are important enough to put in the hard yards and efforts, that are needed to try and find a "solution of sorts". We are ALL WORTHY of being given the time and the listening ear, to better help understand one another and correct the lines of communication that may or may not have been broken. This all just helps us to be better, feel better and grow in such amazing ways as humans and individuals.

     As we grow within ourselves, through the years we slowly alter who we are becoming as a person. So living your own life the way you want to live it, being your own truth the way you believe it,  and making your own choices that give YOUR best results, is what truly matters most. It matters because you are being honest with who YOU are, or are becoming. The genuine you, the real you, is what attracts everyone and everything else that will follow in what can be, your fabulous life!    

     Just Be You!

Depression Part Two Of "Our Story"

     So after my husband was given the medication and kept at it for a few weeks, things started to settle. Or so we thought. Work was still "just work" for Billy,  and I was at home not working at this time. It was more important for me to stay home, and keep a routine for my husband. We were still setting up our home here in New Zealand, so I dealt with  any of the issues we seemed to be running into. It just worked better for me to do as much as I could, to take some of the thinking off of my husbands shoulders. Even right down to the small things like, what we were going to have for supper.

     I made all the plans for us to get out on the weekends to do and see as much as we could, and as much as he could mentally handle. There were things like going to the Bowls Club here, in our little town, that were hard for Billy to do. I wanted to get out and be social and meet new people. But he just wanted to get home from work, shower and stay on the couch till bed time. So I forced him to get out and be social, not for long (well maybe too long for him sometimes, but I had to stay true to myself as well). We would be out for an hour or two and then go home.

     We did things on the weekends that were less populated, as best we could. And sometimes we would just stay at home on the weekends, because just going for groceries was often a feat in itself. Then there were all the times that we would be asked to go to dinner or do something new and fun, and we either turned the offer down or I would have to think of an excuse,  because it was that uncomfortable for my husband to do it. Which also left me in an awkward situation. But these are the things we do for the ones we love.

     I come from a tough love sort of background and family, but I have always marched to the beat of my own drum. In that, I have stayed true to myself and it has helped me grow into the woman I am today. But for some people that are battling this mental illness, not knowing who they are is a BIG PART of their hard work on the road to their recovery. That's why keeping some sort of routine and allowing for down time was such a huge part of keeping my husband in as good of frame of mind as I could.

     Through all of this routine and hard work, was the counselling sessions. When we first went to the doctors he set us up straight away with an appointment, and then the waiting began. And as we were waiting, things weren't getting better, in fact, they seemed to be getting worse. So I made a phone call to the wellness center and got things moving along a bit quicker. Now I know that the counselling is for my husband but we do everything together and he wanted me there every step of the way-so I was. He also had such a hard time remembering everything he was talking about or learning so it was helpful to have me there to listen and nudge a bit when he needed the help. We had 8 full sessions and they were wonderful. Billy's counselor was lovely, and had a very similar story to his. So that was an instant connection which really helped Billy feel more at ease. And can I just say, the change in Billy from the first session to the last was incredible. We both shed a lot of tears and he was able to open up in a different and safe environment, about some of the things he has been holding on to and not talking about since his childhood.

     We have a very open relationship and therefore talk about EVERYTHING. We had already talked about most of what we discussed at counselling, but this was a place that he could feel a bit more "normal", when being so open. Which by the way is so not his thing to begin with. So I was extremely proud of him for giving himself this gift of realizing that he deserved to be heard and felt like he NEEDED to do this for himself. On top of counselling we also read books. We first read John Kirwins "All Blacks Don't Cry". It was a great place to start and get more familiarized with this illness in a more 'life connecting" sort of way. I went to the library and took out more books to read as well. And whatever he read, I did too. I wanted to be on the same page as best I could with him at all times , literally.

     This was the very beginning of this illness,  that truly is life consuming in every way!  We read, we talked it out, we cried , A LOT! He started taking medication, we went to the counselor, and we got out and stayed as active as he was comfortable with. But at all times, I pushed him! He didn't always like it, but too bad, because as he now says, it's a hell of a lot better then the alternative. It came, and still continues to, from a place of love and appreciation for my husband. And knowing that he deserves so much more for his own life, as his own person. 

     And this is just the beginning... 

Depression

     Yup, you read the title of this blog right. Depression has been something that has hit my little family of two- HARD!!! And I wanted to open up about it. I want to talk about the good times and the hard times. And also to let others out there that are suffering or dealing with know, that it doesn't have to be a deadly illness. It can ultimately be something that saves your life. 

     So I'd like to start with a little background about my husband and I. Billy and I were married in August of 2016, and within 7-8 short and yet, oh so long months later, here we were in beautiful New Zealand. It took a lot of prep, paperwork and money to come here, but through it all, we just kept thinking about how we couldn't wait for the experience of our lives. And that is essentially why we came. We don't have any kids or other excuses holding us back, so why not. 

     And so it began. There were trials and tribulations, just like one would expect when packing up your entire life and moving to a new country. But for some reason, the smallest of things seemed to really be getting to my husband. So we just struggled along. Found the happy in the days we could make him smile. Tried desperately to help him find enjoyment in being present in his own life. And there were the days that it felt like torture for him to leave the couch, never mind the house. Then one day, things finally broke.

     I found my husband laying in bed, in the middle of the day, in fetal position. Crying so uncontrollably. And through muddled words, lost breath, and lots of tears, it was my husband that said, " I can't live like this anymore, I need to see the doctor- I think I'm depressed."

     In that moment my heart broke into a million pieces. I of course started crying. I wanted to sob as hard as he was, but I knew that he needed me in that moment, to be strong for the both of us, now,  more than ever before. Here we were, in a different country on the other side of the world, with no family or friends to rely on. Just each other. What was supposed to be the start to our fresh marriage and adventurous life together, quickly became something that felt like it was so out of our control, and possibly out of his reach. And the hard "work" began.

     It was Billy that said he wanted to see the doctor and talk about his options to help heal him of this illness. And honestly, I couldn't have felt more proud of him for realizing that this was something that was bigger than he could tackle.  Neither of us are "pill people", but we did some reading and research before seeing the doctor, so we knew what our options were. After speaking with the doctor, Billy opted for medication, of which he takes once a day , at night before bed.

     At first we were unsure if the medication was working. Billy felt very uneasy, more so than usual. He felt nauseous and dizzy,  which seemed very similar to his anxiety attacks. But he stuck it out and things seemed to even out for him. As time went on, his moods seemed to just even out. Work was...just work. The weekends exploring were...just two days off from work...etc. And what we quickly realized was that,  medication wasn't the quick fix and or the answer to this very complex illness. 

     And this is just the beginning. I wish I could write it all out in this one blog, but there is just too much to talk about. I want to be as open and honest as I can be, so that anyone out there that is suffering from this illness knows that they are NOT alone. And further more, anyone that is a support system of their loved ones, that also may be suffering from this illness, knows that they too are NOT alone, in a very real and truthful way. This is a disease that potentially has the power of taking one's life. It's an illness that needs awareness, support, and love. This is an illness that NEEDS more awareness and not to be swept under the rug. This is an illness that NEEDS to be talked about openly, and honestly. .This isn't an illness that can be left to a "keep your fingers crossed that it will work itself out" mentality. It is an illness that DEMANDS connection to the truth in the person who is trying to heal. 

     I am extremely passionate about this subject and I look forward to sharing our story with all of you. And please feel free to reach out to me via my "askme" page, if you have any questions or comments on this subject. 

     Stay tuned - More to come!  X

Turning Your Negatives Into Positives

     I felt like writing this blog because I can't believe the amount of negativity and shit in this world. It's so disheartening to me that we have to constantly read posts about how people are sick of the negativity in the world. And how they are making changes in their lives to be rid of it. 

     What has the world become that we can't be our true selves?! Why do we need to feel like we have to go out of our way to be a better person, because other people aren't?! Why should we be told that someone else's way of doing "life" is a better way all around?! Or how come certain people feel the need to put others down, or speak to them as though they are less of a human being than they are?! It's not right. Get your shit together people! 

     Take having manners for instance. In no way, is it ever ok to NOT have manners. It really doesn't take anything from your day, not even time. It's a common courtesy that we are all more than capable of. I also don't get the, "putting people down shit". Go fuck yourself. I'm sorry, but that's exactly how I feel. Who made "you", better than me?"

     So this is what I choose to do...Turn a negative into a positive! And if others don't like it or want to be around me, then that suits me just fine. It just always feels so much better staying as positive as I can, (and it's not work for me either). That way, I'm staying true to myself and how my feelings and or emotions are being affected. 

     And have you ever noticed that more times then not, it's usually the smaller things in life that often get to us and crack our patience level a bit? ( I can be guilty of this as well at times) But I am very conscious and aware of how I react and choose to think about certain aspects of my personal life, and how things aren't always perfect in general. The hardest part, is that when things "seem to be", at their worst, you MUST see the light through the extremely dark and narrow tunnel. Otherwise it's the start to a very shitty downward spiral.

     Once you start thinking negatively about one thing, no matter how big or small, it becomes so easy to allow that type of behaviour and thinking to continue. And before you know it, it has added to an already shitty situation, to make it seem as though it's the end of the world. And let me tell you, your "end of the world", is truly often someone else's nonexistent problem. Because chances are, it could always be worse. There are , unfortunately, A LOT of people around the world, that deal with and live with, a hell of a lot worse on a daily level. So it's sort of like a "pick your battles", type of thinking. And with "us" staying positive, it shows others that they can too!:)

     It's so easy to let ourselves fall into that negative space, myself included. But it's exhausting and it becomes that very quickly. Plus who is it helping anyways. So let's pull our socks up and see the positive in every day. Even if it's something simple like the cool cloud in the sky, or seeing beauty in the imperfectly perfect flower. Let's shine in our own lives, and push negativity right out of our personal spaces, as much as we can. Because as we all know, we got one shot at this people, let's do ourselves proud! 

Friendships

     Holy shit! It's now 2018! Where has the time gone?!!! And with time comes growth, in one way or the other. With that thought, it's led me to write this blog.

     It's amazing to me how as the years go by and as our personal lives change and alter, one would hope that we see growth, within ourselves. I for one can certainly say, that I have FOR SURE, seen great personal growth! The end of 2016 was hard for me. Without getting into detail and so I don't hurt people's feelings, let's leave it at that. ( I'd like to get into it, but not just yet. Although I'm happy to tell you, so feel free to email me and ask:). And then 2017 was by far one of the most challenging times of my life. To this day, as I sit at my homemade desk, made by my amazing husband, I know that the challenges aren't yet complete. But you know what makes all this so much easier?... The great friendships that I have. Be that my close family, or my best friends that often times know me better than my own blood does. 

     I talk a lot to my friends , husband and others, about making and keeping true friendships. I truly believe, and live by the fact, that if a "so called friend", isn't bringing anything positive to you and/or your life, then they aren't worth keeping as one. It really does go back to life being just too damn short to waste time, especially with people that aren't in it for the long haul with you. A true friend,(family or not), brings you joy, and is a constant in your life. Will always be open and as truly honest, as they see fit, with you. (You want to be honest, not break their heart getting your opinion across). And a true friend is that person that makes you laugh, listens when you cry and welcomes you with open arms, just as you are. 

     You know, I find it so interesting that I have moved to a different country, one that I have no family in and have to make new friends in, and yet I feel very connected to the people that I have met thus far. I'm not being picky about who I bring into my "close circle", because I actually think that is a crazy thought and very snotty if I'm honest, but I'm more just very aware of what I deserve from a friend and what I bring into a friendship. I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes, but I'm willing to learn and grow with my experiences when encountering and making new friends.And I think that's a big reason why I have kept the long term handful of friends that I have for this long. Some that I have met at very different times in my life, but yet they all still stand right next to me:)

     I think we spend too much time worrying about what other people think. Who gives a shit what other people think. As long as you know that you are the best you can be, with who you are and what you stand for in YOUR OWN LIFE, then truly that's all that matters. I can wholeheartedly say I have AMAZING friends, some of which don't even live near me. They are all a constant in my life and all bring me different joy. They listen when I need to be heard, and I know they will always be there for me in my times of need. To offer great advice or share a glass/bottle, of wine with. So please know that your friendships, as sure as I am living and breathing now, will come and go in your life. But like a marriage, when you find the right one, it really is "in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, till death do you part!"

     To all of my close friends, you know who you are, "J, B, B, G, K, E, D & P", I Love You and appreciate you!

Why do woman have to treat each other like shit?!

     When I was younger and obviously less sure of myself, it really got to me that even though I was nothing but nice, open, welcoming, and friendly to other women, they were still intimidated by me. Now at the time, I can say that I didn't realize it was intimidation that they were experiencing. I just thought less of myself and assumed I had done something wrong to make them treat me in such a shitty way. Then I would spend way too much time talking to friends about it, and thinking about it, only to give it more life than it deserved. 

     Now at this point in my life, I can honestly say that I always mean well and would NEVER, say or do anything intentionally to hurt another woman. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to put effort into dressing whatever way you like. Or wearing makeup that makes you feel good about yourself. Or being a chatty person and wanting to make others feel comfortable in what could be a potentially uncomfortable situation. We as women need to stick together. We need to be each other's backing force when one of us is weak. We know we are emotionally charged at all times and if cornered we'd scratch a bitches eyes out. But that doesn't mean we turn on one another. We should be supportive and want the best for one another. Now I know this is easier said then done to some, but ask yourself.....Is it really??? 

     Why the need to treat another woman like shit?  Because you then, in my eyes, will become less of a woman. Which is a real shame. And how does someone that treats another woman like shit, sleep with themselves at night? There is NOTHING wrong with just being YOU!  We often hear that life is too short and the reason that saying floats through the world, is because it really is. So why not fill your life and heart with being a good person. And don't expect, what you don't deserve. If you're being an asshole to another person, and especially a woman (I'm not excluding men here, I'm just focusing on women at the moment), then expect to get that shitty treatment back. At some point, from someone.  

     So for the sake of all the amazing women out there, I beg of you... don't be a jerk and treat another amazing woman like shit! Period