People often ask me who I talked to and what I did/do for an outlet when dealing with my husband and his depression. And to be completely honest there isn't some magical answer that I can give. I just trusted myself to find the answers, either within myself or through research and reading. It was a real test of who I am as a person, and that continues daily. There were definitely the days I sat at home alone, crying to myself because I didn't want him to see me struggling. He didn't need all that, with all that he was struggling with already. I took the time out to cry and then get it together for when he got home from work. And it wasn't that I couldn't trust other people, or family, but I just felt at that time, no one would really understand what "we" were going through.
It is very easy for people to judge from the outside. It's very easy for someone else to look in and say," oh he will be fine! Don't coddle him. He just needs to get over himself". Or there is the flip side of that where they say to me, " you are putting your husband first, and you don't worry enough about yourself. Let's go away for a weekend, you need a break!" And sure , would I love to pack my bags and get out of dodge for a weekend, absolutely! But in my husbands darkest of days, the very last place I needed to be and wanted to be, was away from him. Leaving him with nothing but negative thoughts and a sense of loneliness. I'm not living my life to please everyone else. We are all doing our best here. And if our best isn't someone else's best, that's alright. I knew that there would be a day that I could pack my bag and go away with the girls. But until things were going better for him, I stayed true not only to my wedding vows, but also to the core of who I am.
I made sure Billy had a routine. Because that's what someone who is dealing with depression responds to, but also that's what my husband responds best to. In saying that, one of the hardest things when dealing with this and teaching myself how to help him, was to remember that he also was a person. That DEPRESSION DIDN'T DEFINE WHO HE WAS AS A MAN. I remembered that when we first met, Billy liked his routine. Right from the time he opened his eye's to his routine poo's! He works best when he knows what's coming. He was never someone who liked to be around a lot of people, or for very long. So I always made sure to get us out of dinners or functions, as soon as I saw that blank look come over his face. You know the one. The "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" look.
I guess It just simply takes understanding and forgiveness. That's what you do for the one's you love. When you see the person who you absolutely adore, struggling so strongly and deeply, you dig deep yourself. You find the answers you don't even realize you have within you. You have to be selfless and put yourself on the back burner. And when there are the times you want to pull your hair out from frustration, you can't. You have to do your very best to understand that this is something "they" are internally dealing with. That this isn't where they want to be either. So if you are going to loose your shit, it's not going to help matters.
I truly believe that my place as a wife, and quite simply, a caring human being, is to help and support those in need. I believe that one's life becomes better fulfilled when reaching out in a genuine way with love and support. So, when asked how I still, to this day, handle my husbands depression...my answer is,...he didn't ask for this illness, it came without notice. It came with hurt, pain, anger, fear, loss, and confusion. And because he means absolutely EVERYTHING to me, I WANTED to go places that may be uncomfortable to visit, but it's what I knew he needed. And it's EXACTLY where I wanted to be. By his side!
