Yup, you read the title of this blog right. Depression has been something that has hit my little family of two- HARD!!! And I wanted to open up about it. I want to talk about the good times and the hard times. And also to let others out there that are suffering or dealing with know, that it doesn't have to be a deadly illness. It can ultimately be something that saves your life.
So I'd like to start with a little background about my husband and I. Billy and I were married in August of 2016, and within 7-8 short and yet, oh so long months later, here we were in beautiful New Zealand. It took a lot of prep, paperwork and money to come here, but through it all, we just kept thinking about how we couldn't wait for the experience of our lives. And that is essentially why we came. We don't have any kids or other excuses holding us back, so why not.
And so it began. There were trials and tribulations, just like one would expect when packing up your entire life and moving to a new country. But for some reason, the smallest of things seemed to really be getting to my husband. So we just struggled along. Found the happy in the days we could make him smile. Tried desperately to help him find enjoyment in being present in his own life. And there were the days that it felt like torture for him to leave the couch, never mind the house. Then one day, things finally broke.
I found my husband laying in bed, in the middle of the day, in fetal position. Crying so uncontrollably. And through muddled words, lost breath, and lots of tears, it was my husband that said, " I can't live like this anymore, I need to see the doctor- I think I'm depressed."
In that moment my heart broke into a million pieces. I of course started crying. I wanted to sob as hard as he was, but I knew that he needed me in that moment, to be strong for the both of us, now, more than ever before. Here we were, in a different country on the other side of the world, with no family or friends to rely on. Just each other. What was supposed to be the start to our fresh marriage and adventurous life together, quickly became something that felt like it was so out of our control, and possibly out of his reach. And the hard "work" began.
It was Billy that said he wanted to see the doctor and talk about his options to help heal him of this illness. And honestly, I couldn't have felt more proud of him for realizing that this was something that was bigger than he could tackle. Neither of us are "pill people", but we did some reading and research before seeing the doctor, so we knew what our options were. After speaking with the doctor, Billy opted for medication, of which he takes once a day , at night before bed.
At first we were unsure if the medication was working. Billy felt very uneasy, more so than usual. He felt nauseous and dizzy, which seemed very similar to his anxiety attacks. But he stuck it out and things seemed to even out for him. As time went on, his moods seemed to just even out. Work was...just work. The weekends exploring were...just two days off from work...etc. And what we quickly realized was that, medication wasn't the quick fix and or the answer to this very complex illness.
And this is just the beginning. I wish I could write it all out in this one blog, but there is just too much to talk about. I want to be as open and honest as I can be, so that anyone out there that is suffering from this illness knows that they are NOT alone. And further more, anyone that is a support system of their loved ones, that also may be suffering from this illness, knows that they too are NOT alone, in a very real and truthful way. This is a disease that potentially has the power of taking one's life. It's an illness that needs awareness, support, and love. This is an illness that NEEDS more awareness and not to be swept under the rug. This is an illness that NEEDS to be talked about openly, and honestly. .This isn't an illness that can be left to a "keep your fingers crossed that it will work itself out" mentality. It is an illness that DEMANDS connection to the truth in the person who is trying to heal.
I am extremely passionate about this subject and I look forward to sharing our story with all of you. And please feel free to reach out to me via my "askme" page, if you have any questions or comments on this subject.
Stay tuned - More to come! X
