Can I start by saying that as rough and as shit as this first year in New Zealand has been, in regards to unexpected health issues with my husband and myself, it has really proven itself to be one of the most POSITIVE emotionally challenging times of my life. I can't speak for my husband...( well I can and I do lol:), but I think it would be safe to say that he would agree with me, in that this move was meant to be one of a new way of life for us. A more Zen approach to the way we want to live. But it's been a tough go thus far, leaving family back home to ask and wonder why we wanted to move here to begin with and why we would want to stay. But what they don't understand is that, the clouds do separate and the sun does shine, even on the darkest of days. You just can't be blind to it.
With Billy being diagnosed with depression early on and then me getting shingles from the stress of that, we thought, holy shit we have horrible luck! And then just when my husband is coming around and in the best place he has EVER been mentally and emotionally, I have ran into some pretty serious health concerns. And I can honestly say, this is truly the worst I have ever felt. And looked! Even shingles weren't this bad. And do you know why? Because it's the waiting game that is killing me. The not knowing, the feeling like I'm physically dying from the inside out and not being able to do a damn thing about it. And what I can be doing about it, like rest and relaxation, is something that I'm not good with. I'm a giver - not a taker. And this needing to put myself first and take care of me, is new to me. I come from a family of tough, stubborn, "dig deep" type of people. And the last thing I would call myself is weak.
Coming from an upbringing of digging deep and just dealing, has led me to a life of putting on a brave face. Which doesn't work. I can say, "I'm good" all I want, but when the closest people to me notice that I'm just being stubborn and I'm clearly NOT GOOD, well then what's the point of the "brave face?" When I'm going to work and can't find the strength to put on makeup and lipstick, and just barely throwing my hair into a messy bun, is all I can muster, I can "say" I'm digging deep all I want...but at the end of the day it's a load of shit! Because my body is screaming at me otherwise. I pride myself on paying attention and listening to others, but when it comes to myself, I'm totally dropping the ball!
So I realised (stubbornly of course), that I need to find that place of selfish inside me that I talk about. That place of it's ok to let yourself just be. To take care of yourself first and foremost because you are all you've got! That being stubborn right now isn't working for me. Thinking about how my illness is effecting everyone else right now and not myself, isn't working for me. SO what happens then?...In turn I take longer to get better and I'm no good to anyone. And that isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. I deserve to take the time I need in the short term to feel better in the long term.
I asked my mom the other day about where I got this guilt shit from. And it's definitely something that runs in my family. I think in some ways, many of them take on the feeling of guilt because it's easier than dealing with their issues. But I can safely say, it's not the same for me. I'm more than happy to deal with my issues, and I do! When I have something to say - I just say it! If I have a question, I ask! For me, I believe it's the feeling of never wanting people to think I would take them for granted. Or that I am here for them, but only when it's convenient for me. But at this point in my life and during the struggles I am currently facing, it's not a matter of worrying about everyone else, it's a matter of knowing that I NEED to worry about ME. It's not a bad thing to stop and really listen to your body. I can push and power through everything I put my mind to, but there comes a time when a person just has to surrender to what's screaming out at you. And that time is NOW for me.
So here I am, pushing my guilt aside, saying no to things I physically can't do. Sleeping in without feeling I should be getting up. Taking a nap if and when I need one. Listening to my body, instead of everyone else and giving it the love it needs to get well and be better quicker.
Guilt is a useless emotion (as my sister from another mister, and long distance love of my life puts it). So I am going to vow to you all who are reading this now, that I'm going to let go of the feeling of guilt when it's simply just not necessary in my life. I'm going to allow myself the deserved love and care it needs, and I'm going to say "NO" to things when I'm not feeling up to them or maybe it's just that I would rather stay at home on the couch and eat chips. And do you know why...because I can!
#NOGUILTHERE