"Change" Is The New Black

Did you know that CHANGE is the new black??? Oh yeah it is!

I wanted to write this blog because I think “change” or “changing”, gets a bad rap! Therefore those of us that are going through any sort of change in life get hassled. News flash! We are all going to change in one way or the other. It’s part of life. We are supposed to live, learn, and then grow from the experiences of our OWN lives. And that’s what helps to mould us into the person we are meant to become.

I can’t stand it when people TELL me how I am thinking or feeling. It’s not fair. It doesn’t come across as a caring thought or intention, instead it comes across as a sort of “know it all”, or “pointing the finger” attitude. Not acceptable. And much like when someone starts yelling, I stop listening! We will all have our points of view, and they are just opinions, not fact. If we didn’t have those, life’s conversations would be pretty boring.

From the time we are born, we are at the mercy of our parents/ family, or whoever has the privledge of raising us. And those people do their best to teach us right from wrong, and instill in us all the great traits we need to hopefully one day be a good person, who will then follow our own set of rules to become a GREAT person.

But then…life happens. And by that I mean, we as individuals decide what is best for US. We travel and explore life in ways that not everyone else is going to agree with. We work at jobs that perhaps are less desireable or seen as not being good enough for us. But it’s whatever pays the bills in your mind. We may date people that not everyone thinks are good for us, and they may be right, but that’s your mistake to make. And if it is a mistake, believe that you were learn from it. That person was in your life for a reason, and it will make a difference one day.

Life is what helps to shape us and open up the roads that will lead towards exciting new adventures. Be it good or bad, its all learning and that is the point! We will make mistakes, we will fall down, scrap our knees. We will do things that some or many people won’t agree with. But too bad for them. Their choices are theirs. Not yours. And the same is reversed.

What I do know, is that we will NEVER make everyone else happy. And like the saying goes, “it’s none of our business what other people think of us”…So just do you! Like I used to be the life of the party ( which really meant that I was young enough and had the energy to stay up late and drink too much, both of which I can not do now). I went to school for massage therapy and got my certification, and did that for many years. But because I then wanted a break, I worked in clubs/pubs/ and bars for many years. And I can confidently say, I was good at it. Working in that type of atmosphere with it’s long hours and hectic hustle vibe, really curbed my “go get em” attitude! But it didn’t do great things for my sleep patterns ( which I now still struggle to get right), or my family/dating life!

I chose to travel and live out of hostels and my backpack for years. I wanted to meet new people and spread my wings in terms of culture, food and spontaneity. I crave the energy and buzz of meeting new people and busy markets. I love going for drives and stopping into quirky little cafes or shops and talking to strangers. These are just a few things that help to fill my internal battery.

I have always been someone who “walks to the beat of my own drum”. I am a bit of a “black sheep” in my family as well. I got the travel bug in college and as soon as I graduated from Massage Therapy School, I was off. I love the sense of my own freedom, without rules and the impressions of others. And many of my decisions over the years, and to date, didn’t always make everyone else happy. But what has taken me the better part of my 20’s and early 30’s to realize, is that I don’t care that others don’t like some of my life decisions. They are mine to make. I’m not living my life for my family, friends, or even my husband. Just me!.

Here is where the change part comes in. Often times when we decide to pave our own path, those that aren’t perhaps used to doing things that sort of way, or choosing those options, see this as such a huge change. That at the root of it, your character will change as well. But for me that’s not the case. I am still the chatty, bubbly, outgoing, sarcastic, loving Shannon, that will always put others before myself. And over my life thus far, I have met some amazing human beings, and more times then not, they have become friends of mine, many of which I now consider as family. I have had and made many opportunities in which some of my personal and most valuable life lessons have helped to shape me into the woman I am today.

And yes, we do still walk through our lives with those mannerisms and quirks that we have learned from our parents. But over time, we add to those a plethora of other traits and qualities that we have learned along our own journey, that have encouraged us to “change” in certain ways. To perhaps make us a better person, friend, or partner.

I wanted to write this blog because we all see the world around us is evolving. And we can either choose to sit by and complain about the changes that are being made and find them to be overwhelming or unconventional. Or we can choose to accept those changes, and the people that are moving along with the times. Making their own footpath in the sands of this detailed thing we call life. Either way, go forward in your life and just do you. You are doing a great job, even if you have been told otherwise or have any self doubt. Know that the decisions you make have probably been very conscious ones, and they were made with intention.

Change is inevitable, its a good thing, embrace it.

The Hard and Fast Truth

It has been a tough few weeks for us here in my little family of 2. Well probably much longer than just a few weeks, but the past few weeks have really shown their challenges. I don’t want to talk about having cancer because sometimes it can seem like that is always the lead of the conversation. And it gets tiring for me to explain or think about. And then there are people out there that I am sure, and would bet money on, that just don’t want to hear about it anymore. Well I have a few things to say about that. Firstly, if you are one of those people that doesn’t want to read or hear about my health journey, then you can piss off and stop reading or following, and I wish that you NEVER have to experience anything even remotely this tough in your life. And if you do, I can tell you this, I promise you that I will be here for you to reach out to. I will always listen and give the very best advice I have. Because…..you are human, and you matter!

And secondly, as much as it is exhausting to talk about this shitty thing called cancer, that has jumped into my life uncontrollably, this is what I want everyone out there to read slowly, really pay attention, and let it absorb. THIS IS NOW MY LIFE! I don’t want for it to be, I can’t change it, or take it back. So instead, I now live a life that is more mindful in body and mind. I am constantly aware ( or made aware) of every twitch and pain, or every baggy eye lid from lack of sleep, and the sheer fact that my whole life within one doctors appointment has drastically changed. And yet, with all these things going on, and so much more, I still hold my head above water and tread like my life depends on it. Because it does!

On top of the obvious, the reason my last few weeks has been hard, is that my husband has really been struggling along. For those of you that don’t know, he was diagnosed with depression pretty much as soon as we arrived in New Zealand, and it has been an on going daily battle. However, we both put in a lot of work to help him along his journey of mental wellness. But what people don’t see, is that it truly is, a battle for the BOTH of us. Just like my cancer has affected him, his depression affects me. My husband has been doing so great, but my health issues are still on going, and I could tell they were getting to him. Or something was, but my health was the obvious matter.

We have a very open and brutally honest relationship. So when either of us needs to be called out on our shit, we do it. However, more recently, when I could tell that all of a sudden my husband went from having a great day with me, being interactive and having fun, his face changed to what I call “dead face”, and he seemed emotionless. I asked him what was going on. I got the grunt and “nothing” answer. Well we all know that’s not true. So with more investigation and open communications, without raised voices, name calling and judgement…it all came out! Now I know my husband better than he knows himself, or would EVER admit, so I had a very good idea what was happening with him and why.

What people don’t see from the outside looking in, is that as much as things are, for the most part, amazing, that for every amazing moment, there are some shitty ones thrown in - just for good measure! For those people out there that think, “it’s cancer, you’re not the only one that has gone through or is still going through this”, I get that. But until you’re the one that this effects in any way, shape or form, you really have no idea. And I can say that from experience. Before I had cancer I had no clue what people were really going through. I knew that it couldn’t be easy for them, and my heart went out to them because I felt helpless. But that’s where it stops. As the unaffected person, you go on about your life. You drink your coffee, go grocery shopping, have family/friend dinner parties, and for the most part life just trucks along. And I’m happy for you. But for my husband and I, in OUR situation, it’s not that simple. We wish it was. And can only hope that it will be again, one day sooner, rather than later.

The fact that my husband has depression has added another form of stress to this life of ours. As talked about in our very blunt conversation the other day, he is sick of me being sick. And tired of me feeling tired. He has said that he feels like me having cancer and then still being sick after my major surgery, has really ruined our lives. That having all the financial burden on his shoulders, is just that, burden. And the biggest thing is that he is worried that I haven’t got better, and feels scared that it’s been so long ( over a year now) and I won’t get better.

And so while we were having such an open and super blunt conversation, I then took the opportunity to say exactly how I was feeling as well. I had told him that while I COMPLETELY understood where he was coming from, and can TOTALLY appreciate every single word he said, that I thought he was being very selfish. And if I was not as understanding and as patient as I am, I would tell him, almost daily, to get over himself. Which is the LAST thing anyone that struggles with depression wants to hear. But ….since we were being honest right!

I had told my husband that while I understood what he was saying, and didn’t disagree with him, that he was seeing it very one sided. He knows I am sick and tired off all this cancer/ surgeries shit, but he wasn’t thinking of how I am actually feeling about it all. I’m the one that holds us together. Yes I am the opinionated one, I speak up and if I have something to say I want to be heard, but guess what…so does he! And that’s one of the reasons why we work. Through the journey with MY health, I have had to make sure that I worry about my husband. And as much as I think this may be a fault of mine in some ways, I have always put him first.

That perhaps wasn’t, and isn’t always the right thing to do, but that’s me. I now know I need to find balance within that. And my point here is this. It’s not just been a cancer diagnosis, its been a battle. I still feel low if I need to that day. I have those days that I’m tired and therefore have a couch day. But everything that both my husband and I knew, doesn’t exist. And hasn’t existed for over a year. I’m now facing the very real possibility of my third surgery, and while that doesn’t bother me in the least, it just means, more recovery time. Which means, more being tired, more couch time, more of my “old life” still being put on hold. Which then means, watching my husband get frustrated because he feels scared and helpless.

So, pushing forward, we are going to keep communicating, as hard as that may be at times. And we are going to keep treading that water, supporting one another, and being each others person. As I tell my husband, “we can’t give up now, or ever”. In order to stay strong, we need to find balance. We need to have open hearted understanding, and be the cushion for the other to fall upon. Now I may be hoping for a miracle here ( lol ), but I love my husband, or I wouldn’t have married his ass. In sickness and in health, till death do us part! ,

"Time"

As I sit in what feels to be constant “recovery mode”, I spend a lot of my time really trying to focus on my body, what it’s telling me and what it’s needs are within my abilities. I am continuously chatting with other women that have also been through or are still battling cancer, and we can all relate to one another in many ways, most of which are not only physically but also emotionally challenging. You see, I think I can safely speak for us all that are affected by this disgusting, and what can sometimes be a debilitating disease, the fight is real. It’s not just as simple as, “ok you have a diagnosis, have surgery and or treatments and you may feel tired and or sick”. There is SOOOOOOOOOOO much more to it then that. What they don’t tell you when you are diagnosed, is that you need to quickly learn that you will reside yourself to your couch or bed. And for those of us that are so used to being outgoing, extroverted, and thrive best in social settings…this alone time is tough - never mind the actual diagnosis.

It feels like your whole life has been ripped from your fingertips. And we all handle things differently. That’s life. We as humans are all different and emotions are just that. So they can often take on a whole life of their own. And I know many women that hardly recognize themselves anymore. A cancer patients life becomes one of, that in which we are to succumb to the disease. You feel helpless, and out of control. These feelings can lead into frustration and feelings of anger and sometimes rage. The feeling that a life that you once were so involved in, and had a say in every filled moment, is now fully put on the back burner.

And that lovely word, “TIME”, that once meant so much to you and you held in such a positive light, is now the most hated word in your vocabulary. For me it’s become a word that I associate with patience. That of which I feel I have a lot of. But when you feel like absolute shit, it’s not just digging deep into your patience box, it’s finding a sense of keeping calm as well. Both of which can be extremely challenging and draining. All the waiting for test results, blood and urine sample results, scans, treatments and calls from health care professionals…it seems like you are always WAITING for something or someone to mic drop on your whole life.

Your loved ones, close friends, and even people who don’t know you all that well, are constantly asking you how you are. You find yourself sick of the sound of your own voice and the repetition of words that never seem to change. And yet you tell them how you are feeling, and that your life is sitting in the hands of a team of specialists, and what do your friends, loved ones, and practical strangers say???….”Oh just give it TIME, take it one day at a TIME”. And we know that those words are coming from a place of care and the feeling of helplessness, but it gets to a point that this is the last thing we want to hear.

Speaking from my own experience with this asshole called cancer, I struggle with the reality that from one day to the next, I can’t control how I’m going to feel. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and as far as we were told, “they got it all”. I couldn’t have wished for better right?! Right! I didn’t need radiation, or chemo, and I should just have hopped on the recovery train, gave it some TIME and that was that. But no, and as much as this would have been a perfect outcome, I ran into complications. So instead of just allowing myself and body the time it needed to recover well, and then jump straight back into my “old life”, I have had to surrender to the fact that my mind is just so much further ahead of my physical body.

We cancer survivors , be it still battling or have come out the other side of this hateful prick, have had to learn to be resilient in a different sort of way, then I believe, we even knew we could muster. You want to be your own advocate in terms of your health, but also with your general mind strength and power. I explain it like this. You are out in the ocean, and you’re a pretty good swimmer. The water seems relatively calm and you are confident. But then the wind hits, bringing with it crashing waves that are doing their very best to take your breath away. You are doggy paddling trying to desperately hold your head above water, bobbing up and down. You are hanging onto the hope that someone will see you and come to your rescue. But it continues, and it seems as though you have no idea the amount of “TIME” you have been out there, in those deep waters, bobbing up and down and grasping at every breath you can take.

This is exactly how I feel when I have done a bit more that day. When I have had a better sleep the night before, eaten right, and had a bit of exercise. And then suddenly, the following day comes along, to slap you straight across the face to remind you that your body isn’t quite what you want it to be. Its not what it used to be. You find yourself wondering,” will my life ever be what it was?” “Will I ever get the stamina back that once charged my life at 150%?” And these thoughts are then hard to rationalize when you just feel like you have been so positive and done everything that has been asked of you from your medical team, and yet it just doesn’t seem like its enough.

Insert that less than desirable word - TIME.

You see, as much as we the patients, know that things are going to take time. It doesn’t make it any easier to hear. Because we are living within our shell of a body, and have no control over the dictation of medicines, treatments, appointment times, results, the list goes on and on. We feel like sometimes all we are doing is waiting. You want to get and stay hopeful, you want your household to run like it used to. You want to play with your children and fur babies on the floor or in the ocean, and have full energy levels back. You want to return to work and feel productive for longer than an hour at a time. You hope to return to the gym and or get fit. You want to be intimate with your partner, and you want your social life back.

We the survivors GET IT! Believe me, we know that time is precious and that in many cases we have it on our side. But this major shift in our lives from feeling healthy and hopeful, and living full lives, has only made the word TIME speak more loudly to us. We now know how quickly our lifes precious moments can be ripped from our finger tips, and we feel envious of the time that has been taken from us, and the time that is staring us in the face with the word ,”unknown” strapped so tightly to it. So as hard as sitting around and feeling like I’m waiting for answers is, I choose to handle TIME the same way I did my cancer. I choose to make it my bitch! And TIME can wait for me, to build my body and strength back up to 150% and it can watch me live my life!

Gypsy Chic

I have recently learned something about myself. Well maybe not so much “learned”, but more so, understood better. I grew up on a farm in a small village. And shopping to us was an event. A shopping trip was at least an hour away, so it was important to utilise the time wisely and get as much trying on, and purchasing done as possible. Shit I even remember when I got my training bra. We were on the way home I was in the back seat of the car, and my mom said, “show your father your new bra”. So I did and I remember I was so pleased with myself. NOW, I wish I could fit back into that training bra. And while we are on the topic, why do they even call it a “training bra?”. Or was that just something “they” said in those days? Either way, I can tell you now, that these lovely lady lumps of mine must of had some AMAZING “training”, because they grew more than they perhaps even should have! (thank you Zellars little girl bra section for being so helpful!)

I have recently labelled myself, hence the gypsy chic title to this blog. I have realized that as much as I love a good brand name, a pretty heel, (that I sadly cant wear much of anymore), makeup, and layering my body in jewels…I’m really a bit of a gypsy at heart. Which to some that know me, may not come as much of a surprise. The facts are: I hate wearing a bra, I like to look cute when I fly, I love me a brand name perfume, but I also love a good natural organic perfume oil, I love being in bare feet always, and expensive silver jewelry is one of the many ways to my heart. So you can see the confusion.

I have always loved travel and did so on a budget. But always managed to have some amazing experiences on that budget, with memoires that will last me a lifetime. I have lived in a car, (by choice), and showered by the beach. Where I would be in my bathing suit shampooing and shaving all my womanly goodness! I have lived with complete strangers, many of which couldn’t speak English or very little of. And shared rooms, showers, and communal areas in places that were a small step up from jail. But amazingly through those younger years of mine, I learned so much about not only myself, but other people, cultures and ways of living. And I wouldn't change a thing. All the times I was flat broke and had to find a job, any job, to make enough cash to move on to my next adventure…worth it!!!

So going through my life up until the past few years, I have always wanted more. More in terms of that pretty new duvet cover for my bed, those pretty hand towels that I will never actually use or allow company to use for that matter, for fear they may……well… get used. I’d buy clothes that would hang in my closet with the tag still on them for weeks, or longer. Why the hell did I do that?? !! Why buy something that I clearly liked at the time and never wear it? Was I scared to ruin it (them)? It was the same way with glassware! I would buy these pretty drinks glasses that I never used, but instead used the old tatty looking ones to keep the nicer ones, looking nice???

Now I have come to terms with my over spending under appreciating ways. At least that's how I feel. Now don’t get me wrong, I do still love a good brand name and gorgeous pair of heels. A throw pillow that I sometimes only want to put on the couch when the childless company come over. And my eye still wanders to the over priced products that my husband now says, “I could make that for way less”. But what I realise is that those things really don’t make me any happier. I’m not saying that they never did in the past, but in the present, it’s just “stuff” to me.

I love my gypsy chic moo moo dresses (which fine I suppose to be fair I started wearing when I got sick and couldn't fit into anything else I owned comfortably). But I love them none the less. They are comfortable and just enough fashion, that I can dress them up with some jewelry that I have had for years and no one is the wiser. That’s the other point I’d like to make. I’d spend so much time and money on things, because as if I was going to the Oscars, I didn’t want people to see me wear something twice! Like really Shannon- who do you actually think you are??!!!

Now, I’m just happy to have clothes on at all. Well actually that is a bit of a fib! I would rather be naked, but in a dark room, where no one could see me of course, eating chips and dip, and drinking wine from one of my many accumulated glasses, that to the wine world would be a sacrilege. But seriously though, I want to be comfortable daily. Right down to my underwear. However, I’m not at the so called “granny panty” stage just yet. I don’t like showing panty lines. It’s my thing- don’t judge!

We live in a hot country that most days means ,my hair is up in some messy bun, that thankfully looks kinda cute for the simple fact that I have curly hair and can pull that off. I live in flip flops ( aka thongs, no i’m not wearing my panties on my feet), I never wear socks even in cold temperatures, and I have like 2 pairs of jeans to my name. And yoga pants are a staple, a must if you will. And no I am not enrolled in a yoga class/ group, because they are overpriced and I can watch that shit on youtube for free!

I’m just simply saying, that even though I still appreciate the finer things in life, and always will, Im happy and content with the things I have now. I don’t judge other people based on what they have or don’t have for that matter. And to be frank, I never have. It’s very easy to let things accumulate in our lives, but at the end of the day, it’s just “stuff”. You know the age old saying of, “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”, well that is how I choose to look at my life and the materialistic “stuff” I have in it. I have plates, sure I may have had them for a couple years, but there is nothing wrong with them. They hold my food, and that’s good enough for me.

We all live our lives differently. My way may not be your cup of tea or ideal situation, but I can tell you this, your way of living may not be mine either. And that’s ok. Because all that matters to me is that i’m going to wake up in my mediocre bed, smile with my body and mind, and breath in the day as though it was the first day of the rest of my life. Because so far, I have led a pretty amazing life and not one memory I have is based around those amazing heels I had on, or that expensive watch. I just don’t need it to be truly madly and deeply happy with myself and the life I live.

The Drama That Is Bathing Suit Shopping

So recently I went bathing suit shopping with my husband. Who now has a greater understanding and also new form of appreciation and respect, for the art that is every women’s humiliation. Something that most men don’t have to experience. Or at least not to this extent. They complain we women have more in terms of choices when it comes to clothing, and this may be true, but I can tell you this… if they had to experience the sheer hell of trying to get into something that is nothing short of a high wire acrobatic outfit, including the underwires, they’d think twice about moaning!

When a woman is bathing suit shopping she’s presented with an overwhelming amount of disappointing choices. Well that’s if you’re not a size minus zero and have curves like the mountains of the Himalayas! You take your stance in front of a line or rack, of what appears to be a beautiful array of different colours and choices. You have high hopes and low expectations. But your mind races with excitement of what could be. You try to picture yourself in certain designs and styles. Quickly your arms are of full of different sizes, shapes and colours, You take a few different sizes of the same ones, just in case…but your thoughts aren’t quite rational. At this point in the hunt, you’re not thinking clearly and with rational thought processes. You still have that glimmer of hope and sheer will keeping you eager and open minded. In this moment you aren’t thinking about how quickly all of your high hopes will be crushed with the harsh truth…that is your body!

And yet you persevere! You still have a smile on your face, you are still calm with that little extra jump to your heart rate. The lovely sales lady is so patient and helping add to the stockpiling of unnerving disappointment, that will soon become a reality in your changing room. And then…it’s time. The hooks in your changing room can’t fit another hanger. And you think to yourself, “yeah, let’s just start there.” You look at all the possibilities and start with the pick that caught your eye first. And it begins…”HOW THE HELL DOESN’T THIS SIZE FIT!??? This is the size I wore last summer! I couldn't have put on that much weight…could I??? Or at least not to the point I look like I have swallowed the entire contents of Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory!!!”

You thought going into this whole horror story, that starting with the one piece, which by the way, is the “ in style” right now, is a good place to start. That it would hold all the unsightly layers in to create that lovely small waist effect. But boy were you wrong! You know the casing that comes on an actual sausage? The one that is used to hold in and keep tight all that yummy fatty goodness? Well turns out, that looking at yourself in that one piece, is like looking at the insides of the sausage without the casing! And in fact, all of YOUR fatty goodness is now on display, that is just ever so lightly covered with the casing of that beautiful one piece you once thought was a great idea.

But all hope is not lost. And moving on now to the two piece options. Starting with the bikini tops. You clip the top in front of you and turn it around to slip the shoulder straps up, but alas…as you are twisting that top around your torso, you can feel your skin ripping. And you instantly know, “fuck…this ain’t gonna work!” But you are damned and determined to at least get it on and up as a starting point for the series of letdowns to follow. After all, you gotta start somewhere, and lets face it, the one piece is no longer an option. Once up and straps properly tightened, you look at yourself in the mirror and notice right away. That not only is the underwire digging into your ribs, and giving you what you WISHED looked like the starting of an amazing set of abs, but it looks like you are housing a watermelon in one side of your top and a cantaloupe in the other. Why the hell are your tits looking like they are paternal twins??? Shouldn’t they be the same? Apparently NOT!

And it only gets worse with the bottoms. Matching or not, the tightness of the waistband and leg inserts, makes your stomach and thighs look like they will loose all range of motion, due to severe lack of circulation, if you wore these for any length of time. Keeping in mind, all of this is happening under the interrogation lighting that is in your changing room. I mean come on! Whoever thought that was a good idea was a dick! And just to add insult to injury, the lovely sales lady comes by to check on you and see if she can get you another size in anything. You want to respond with, “ YEAH! COULD YOU BRING ME A POOL COVER PLEASE?” At this point you are just so over it. You can feel the tears welling up in your eyes but you don’t want to give in to the emotions.

Your heart is now racing, not with excitement, but with the feelings of being pissed off. You can feel yourself on the verge of snapping but you breath through it. You just gotta get this straight jacket like ensemble off. And if you weren’t now sweating like you had just ran the New York Marathon( which you clearly haven't trained for), it would make this a whole lot easier. You reach your arms around your back to unclip this pretty little ( and by little, I mean so little you don't even know how you got into it to begin with), bikini top. But very suddenly you realise that you are sweating so badly, your emotions are running high and clearly you weren’t thinking rationally when you pulled this bikini top on to begin with. Because if you had, you would have realised that it seems like the only way out of it, would be to dislocate your shoulders.

At this point my husband is peaking over the top of my changing room door, trying his best to cheer me on. He could see that I was just trying to be polite to both him and the lovely sales lady. But I was so over it! All I could feel were the tears that formed in the shape of a bulge in my throat. And then it happened, I snapped! I starting handing all of my crushed hopes in the form of spandex, over the door to my husband, snapping at both him and the sales lady, “IM DONE!” My husband then looks at me with a tad bit of fright in his eyes and says, “ok so what do you think? I think you should get”…and he proceeds to tell me to get the bikini top that was his choice on the sales rack, that was my least favorite and the more expensive bikini top, that from now until the end of it’s life, I will need my husband to strap me into as though he is saddling a horse!

I then reluctantly of course give in to him, and also feel as though, this all couldn’t have been for nothing. I mean, I didn't put all of my unsightly bits and pieces on display, lock myself into a room that makes solitary confinement seem like a great idea, and give myself fabric burn, because this seemed like a great way to spend my Saturday! I needed a bathing suit damn it! And no matter how shitty it made me feel, let’s be honest, these tits of mine just weren’t going to fit into last years bikini tops. Not unless I wanted to sport them with my nips peaking over the top, like the vision of my husbands face over that changing room door.

So to the cash we went, where I could see the pity on the face of my lovely sales lady. And while my husband was paying for the last hour of my humility, I thanked the sales lady for putting up with me. I told her that I truly, “got it from my momma and proud of it”, and that even though I’d need a good stiff drink after the experience, that her help and patience were amazing! And that I’d be back, but maybe…for a sweater next time!

Retreating

Recently I had the opportunity to spend almost two weeks at a women’s retreat. A home specifically for women who need a little respite. A place to put our feet up, be waited on and do as we please at our leisure, not having to worry about anyone else but ourselves and our own self care.

It’s such an interesting concept to throw a bunch of women, who are strangers to one another, into a home that's not theirs with which they are not to lift a finger other than to perhaps, hand wash their delicates. The only set thing in the day are the meal times. Of which you can choose to participate in or not. It’s almost like living in a hostel for all you travellers out there that know what I’m talking about. But much cleaner and more respectful.

And let’s face it, women can be assholes. We are often a hard bunch to mix and match. But for whatever reason, this place just works. Perhaps it’s because we are ultimately all here for the same reason. We may come from all walks of life and from backgrounds unknown, but our challenges all seem to be the same. And our personal missions and goals are more similar than maybe we even care to admit.

From a very young age, men are told to be strong, to be tough, and not to cry. And we are learning more and more about how these conceptions have been a lending hand for men when it comes to struggles with mental health. Because they are told to keep quiet and if they have any issues to just deal with them on their own. And in doing so, they have learned, very extensively, to internalise.

Whereas with us women, we are known to show our affections. To be more open with our words and emotions behind them. However that leads us to a life of also just dealing with things, the best way we know how. Which can also often lead to issues with mental health and falling into the darkness. We tend to become the, “mother, the cop, the care taker”, but in doing so we loose, ”the daughter, the friend, the wife.” And we take on the role of, “who am I?”

We all, in some way or another, need to learn how to be kind to ourselves. To take the time to show ourselves the type of kindness we show and do for others. WE forget that in order to be the greatest version of ourselves for the benefit of others, we need to firstly do that for us, for the benefit of ourselves. It seems as though we need to dig deeper to allow self love to be the forefront of our lives.

Our minds thoughts become blurred lines. And those blurred lines then become poor habits. And before we know it, we are drowning in some pool of sorrow, be it shallow or deep. That all depends on how far we let ourselves fall and how far down “our” bottom really is. Being mindful and present seem like a chore or perhaps even work. You hear yourself saying, “I don't have time for that!” All those small things you used to find such joy in when you were a younger version of yourself, seem so distant, that you have almost allowed yourself to loose those memories.

Which leads us to forget that those memories and moments, were the channels used to create who we have become today. At our deepest of deep and our core of cores, our soul is still our internal compass. Why is it that we let that become so lost in time. We often forget how to read our own, “north south east west”. Is it the fear that we will let others down? Is it because we will feel bad or hold incredibly heavy guilt for staying true to our own beliefs and the systems behind them? Is it a shield that we hide behind, because at the surface of it, we really have no clue what we want to do with or for ourselves because we have managed to let any sense of self wants and needs, slip from our fingertips.

In any rate, we as women are such amazing creatures. WE have the strength and determination to over come even our own worst nightmares. We can find the deep when at times it seems we are already at the deepest we can go. There is such a strong endurance in us that surpasses even our beliefs. Where does that come from? Is it just inbred in our genetics? It can’t be, because I can tell you, that being part of this amazing blessing and gift of coming to this retreat, has proven, that ladies, from all different walks of life, all share the same story.

Sure we are all on our own journeys and for different reasons, but it all circles back around to the same thing. We are superwomen, in our own rights. WE all shed tears, feel pain, experience frustration and exhaustion. We have all come here feeling like we are clawing our way up the steepest of mountains. We have come here, maybe not so much for answers, but quite simply, clarity. And the break from everyday life, that doesn't allow for clarity to shine as brightly as it should.

We know that we deserve this time to ourselves. To remove ourselves - PERIOD. And in this time, on these paths, they have all managed to come together to form one amazing road. The road back to our lives that mean so much, to our husbands, partners, families and friends. To work or not to work. It’s up to us, to think about what we have learned and remember just how amazing we are as individuals and what we bring to our own lives.

To remind ourselves that we may be resilient, we may be strong, but we are human, and we come first. Because if we don’t, our world won’t crash around us, our loved ones will still love us, work will continue on without us, but if we loose who we are, what are WE left with???

So in the closing days of this amazing self journey we have all been on, we can all sit here knowing that we are in one way or another, triumphant in the glory of which we are plain and simply- AMAZING WOMEN!!! And this has been a pause in time that has helped to lead us to the victory of our own presence in this phenomenal thing we call life!

Thank you!

Boundaries

Since moving to New Zealand I have really tried to take a good look at my life and what areas are working and what need work on. At this stage of life, I’m learning so much more about who I am, and what my own life means to me. I’m evaluating the friendships I have and why they are part of my life. And more specifically, what is it they bring to my life as a purpose. The same thing in regards to family. I realize more now then ever, we should have people in our lives that bring something to it. That give you the space to be who you truly are and love you for it anyways.

I am also learning to say “NO”. To say no to more things then I used to. I can’t be everything for everyone around me. I’m happy to be there as a friend or loved one. I’m always a listening ear whenever it’s free. And I will always go out of my way to make sure that everyone else is happier than me. Because for a very long time now, I thought, if “they” are happy, then that makes me happy and that's enough. But it’s not enough.

I can see more clearly now, that setting my own personal boundaries is so extremely important for a happy and healthy life. That making choices based on what I feel is right for me, is and are, the best choices to make. This isn’t to say that I’m going to become a selfish cow and only worry about myself. I’m just simply saying that, I am learning! I’m saying that I think as women we do so much for everyone else. We spend a lot of time making sure everyone else is …ok. When what we need to be doing is taking a step back. It’s not our job to worry about what other people think…first and foremost. We can’t be everything to everyone, in terms of the “mother, cop, caretaker, peacemaker”. I can’t wear all those proverbial hats and still take care of my own personal needs.

Having cancer has been a big part in this lesson. For me, the hardest part of having cancer wasn't the feeling of lost hopelessness. It wasn’t the feeling of, “ holy shit how bad is this really?”. It wasn't the feeling of, “ is this it now, could I potentially die from this? They say they got it all, but did they? Is this going to come back?” Having cancer for me has been more of a life lesson in self preservation. It’s been learning how to truly put myself first in every sense of the word, when I have been so used to worrying about everyone else first. It’s taking the time out to have a nap if I need it, but to recognize I need it first.

The last big lesson I’m learning is to let go of guilt. For me, wearing all those proverbial hats comes with a feeling of quilt. That has been something that has been drilled into me, unintentionally, over the years, ever since I can remember. And more to the point, I have let it happen. That feeling of guilt is useless because, to get straight to the point, it does nothing to make ME happy. So now I work on noticing when that feeling comes upon me, and why. I recognize it, and let it go. That feeling of guilt brings along with it a certain type of anxiety that I just don’t need, and most often, don’t deserve.

Being able to set boundaries for yourself is so important. Knowing that it’s ok to say no and put yourself first, is so important. It doesn't mean that you are selfish or self centered. It just means that you are listening to your own body and it’s needs both mentally and physically. And the best part is, that in doing so you know your own self worth. You learn to walk your own path, and be proud of yourself for doing so!

Has Having The Big "C" Changed My Life?

     Has having cancer changed my outlook on life? This is a question or even assumption that I often get. And I can very confidently say the answer to that is , NO! 

I loved my life before cancer and I love it just the same after. I know that I'm lucky to wake up everyday and create the best life I can with the best memories and moments to cherish. It didn't take having cancer to help me realise that. However, I can see how it could effect others in a different sort of way. 

It's not an easy thing to have said to you. That dreaded phone call from an oncology staff member, who firstly asks if you’re alone and if you’re sitting, before giving you what could possibly be the worst news of your life. The fact that it all feels so scarily foreign and extreme is enough to send your emotions into overdrive, both physically and emotionally. Not to mention your loved ones. How the hell are you going to break the news to them? And you know that your loved ones often are more affected by it all then the actual cancer patient. The helpless and hopeless feelings are something that can often be shared by both sides.

As the patient, I made sure to take the time I needed to work through my thoughts and emotions on my own. I can honestly say I have only shed tears twice over this horrendous illness, and both times were in the shower. I let it out, got my shit together and moved on. I did my research, I listened, and I used my brain to work through what I needed, to be as strong mind and body as I could be. And to this day, I don't let it define me as a person. I'm not the daughter, sister, aunt, wife or friend that has had the "BIG C". I'm Shannon. And there was never a doubt in my mind that I wouldn't beat the shit outta this! 

I'm still full of "piss and vinegar", as my folks would say. I have big hair and don't care. I'm chatty and outgoing. I love my family and friends more than they could ever even know. And my heart is huge! Cancer for sure came at the worst time, but would there have ever been a good time?! NO!!! So I just did my best with what I had, that was my own strength, and the love and support from loved ones near and far.

The word "CANCER", wasn't easy to hear. That was the first cry in the shower. My mind went to the place of, "what's next?” As much as I personally of course thought about myself, all I could think about was the fact that my poor family is in another country and this is going to be so hard for them. That my poor husband is going to hit an all time low with his depression. And what was even more important to me was, “ what was and still is the best way to work through my thoughts and feelings so they don’t take over my life?” Because for those of us cancer patients and survivors, we often feel like cancer has taken over our lives. But I choose to look at it as though, my life has been made to yield for a while.

I don't ever want to have a defeatist attitude towards things. Especially towards having cancer. If I gave in to all the negative emotions and attitudes, then I would feel anger. And to me, that is a wasted emotion. I can’t change the fact that I had cancer. I can’t change the fact that I now have a substantial scar running horizontally down my stomach. I can’t change the fact that I knew there wasn't going to be one part of this that's easy. For me, or anyone who loves me. But what I did know, was that I am strong in mind and soul. That no matter how painful, how tender, how bruised and beaten I felt inside and out, that I was surrounded by people who cared for me. And that I also had my own back.

Having cancer and going on this incredible journey of something so unknown, hasn't made me think about my life in that I should be living in every moment, because I always have. I have always loved truly, madly and deeply. I never take things for granted. I’m a great daughter, friend and wife. I have always chosen to live my life the way I wanted to live it. And if having cancer has taught me anything, it has taught me not to change my life and the way I live it, but to also not feel guilty for the decisions or choices I make. To say my piece, go through my emotions, and then leave them there.

We have this one incredible life that has been given to us, in one way or the other. It’s our right as it’s individual owner to take care of it. To breath life in and out of it, and let those shoulders drop. Cancer isn't easy. It sucks, BIG TIME!!! But I believe that through all the hardships we may see ourselves in at any given time, we owe it to ourselves to fight back. To be as strong minded as we can. And to feel, cry, scream, laugh, smile, and just BE. The fact is that we are all going to die one day, and some of us may be taken too soon. This is a very sad reality. But in the meantime, recovery from cancer for me, has taught me that I’m doing alright, that I always have, and nothing will stop me from thinking one step at a time, one day at a time. I have made some amazing memories in my life and I know I will make many more.

So no, having cancer hasn't changed my life, it’s simply just reassured me that the life I have is pretty damn special, because I created it’s value!

10 Things You May or May Not Know About Me

This is "No Judgement Zone"!!! LOL

#1 - I HATE packing! I start out doing, what "I" think is a good job, but then I get bored and just can't seem to make decisions. And if it's a big trip or move that I'm packing for, I need company. I need a friend at least sitting with me. Now I say a friend, because my husband doesn't have the patience for my shitty packing skills, and he is too serious. So at least with a girlfriend, she will have a cocktail with me and while I'm doing my impromptu dress up montage, we will have a laugh!

#2 - I swear like a sailor. It's not something to be proud of, but I can honestly say, I'm not ashamed either. Now this isn't to say that I don't mind my tongue when I'm around other's that don't swear or I'm in public or around children.  It's just I come by it honestly. I got it from my momma! So let's just stop there!  Yeah, let's just blame my mother, cuz she'll love that shit! NOT!!! hahaha

#3 - I LOVE potato chips! Like LOVE!!! You know when people ask the question, "if you were stranded on an island and could only take one food with you what would it be?". Well my answer is chips! If I had to choose a flavor type, it would be "Lays Salt & Vinegar"...I can also say, it's the one thing that I don't like to share. ( p.s I did say this was a no judgement zone) PERIOD

#4 - I hate being shoved. Physically shoved I mean. I'm ok in a crowded space but once I get shoved, I start to loose my patience. And what's worse is being shoved without an apology for that shove. To me it's like holding the door for someone and they don't even say a simple, "Thank You".

#5 - I love children! I love their honesty, their little quirky attitudes, and their unapologetic behaviour ( even when it is naughty ). When people say there is such an innocence to kids, I don't agree. I feel like they are just being who they are, and being real. And that is something that, I for one, admire. 

#6 - I love trash tv. And the reason for that, is because it's literally the only time I shut my brain off. I don't think about 100 things all at once and every other little side thought that would usually come with those thoughts. I just get so caught up in the drama of someone else's life that I can zone out of my own. Even for an hour! 

#7 - If I could have lunch with one person living or dead, it would be Anthony Hopkins. Sure there are perhaps sexier male options out there to choose from, but I think there is something about Anthony Hopkins that is so intriguing. He is well spoken, and calm. And I could only imagine the stories and life lessons he would have to share. And to me, that is sexy! 

#8 - I'm a wino! The only thing I like aside from wine is cider. But my preferred choice of alcoholic beverage would be wine. My taste buds have changed as well. I have a bit of a sweet tooth now, so I do enjoy a nice cold sweeter wine as well. I won't get into the actual types. They vary per season for me :) 

#9 - My lesbian crush is ( aside from my bestie Beth-eh of course), Pink!  I love her sexy self! And her "take me or leave me" attitude. There is a lot to be said about that! 

And last but definitely not least...

#10 - MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC!!! I LOVE music!!! Of all types! Anything that I can move my body to, feel the beat in, and share with others,

Sleep Deprived

     So guys, let me lighten the mood here a little and tell you all about my sleep deprivation. 

Do any of you have a husband or partner that snores??? You do.....Isn't it HELL!!!

Who wants to sleep on the couch or in a different room than your partner? I don't. I long for the days of a slight deep breathing partner next to me. And sure, my husband has snored since the first night we spent together. But I SWEAR to you, it's like its getting worse! If that's possible!! 

And my husband genuinely feels so bad, and guilty for the lack of sleep that I get. He has tried the sleep apnea clinic, and either they had bad hearing or were on serious drugs because they claimed he is fine. Um hey clinic peeps, try to sleep next to my husband for a night and tell me he doesn't have an issues with his sleeping ways!!!

It makes me laugh when people say "I have kids, therefore I will never truly sleep for the rest of my life". And my response is," yeah me too! I may not have kids but let me tell ya, at least even with kids, you eventually get a break. You get a couple hours of being so tired that when you're baby sleeps, you sleep. But it's not like that when you have a person snoring next to you. There is NO BREAK!"

He is going to kill me!!  LOL

And the sounds!! I mean, I have tried to play the didgeridoo, and from what I know it requires circular breathing. It's not an easy thing to do. But the sounds that come out of my husband are seriously IMPRESSIVE! I'm talking, move over digeridoo players- my husbands amazing talents of , what seems like, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth all at the same time, are a  "special" non rhythmical sound that could scare a person out of a dark alley!  I mean people pay good money when producing movies, for these types of sounds!

And do you know what really annoys me, when people say, "well why don't you wear earplugs Shannon?". Are these assholes for real when they say this to me?! Why should I have to, on top of the steam roller racket next to me, wear a pair of extremely uncomfortable earplugs, that trades people don't even want to wear!  My problem is the snoring! My problem is not that I have super sensitive bat like ears. Which brings me to my husband telling me that I'm such a light sleeper that I could hear a mosquito fart! And maybe I can, but the mac truck that lays beside me at night is a far cry from the light puff of what I would assume a mosquitos fart to be like. 

Now I love my husband...to bits! And just to be serious for a moment, I know that the snoring isn't healthy for him either. There is in no way, shape or form that he could be A) getting enough sleep, because B) he can't possibly be getting enough oxygen to his brain through all the breath holding, twitching and long length snores. SO, for now, I'll put up with the fish flopping, deep breathing and sounds that I'm sure can be hear by deaf dogs miles away. And even though the odd night on the couch or in a spare bed gives me some solitude, I love my husband and want to be in the same bed as him. I know there will be a day that will come when we can't wait to go to our separate beds, but until then, I'll take as much of the snoring as I can get.

Until I smother him in his sleep that is!

Just kidding! :)