Has having cancer changed my outlook on life? This is a question or even assumption that I often get. And I can very confidently say the answer to that is , NO!
I loved my life before cancer and I love it just the same after. I know that I'm lucky to wake up everyday and create the best life I can with the best memories and moments to cherish. It didn't take having cancer to help me realise that. However, I can see how it could effect others in a different sort of way.
It's not an easy thing to have said to you. That dreaded phone call from an oncology staff member, who firstly asks if you’re alone and if you’re sitting, before giving you what could possibly be the worst news of your life. The fact that it all feels so scarily foreign and extreme is enough to send your emotions into overdrive, both physically and emotionally. Not to mention your loved ones. How the hell are you going to break the news to them? And you know that your loved ones often are more affected by it all then the actual cancer patient. The helpless and hopeless feelings are something that can often be shared by both sides.
As the patient, I made sure to take the time I needed to work through my thoughts and emotions on my own. I can honestly say I have only shed tears twice over this horrendous illness, and both times were in the shower. I let it out, got my shit together and moved on. I did my research, I listened, and I used my brain to work through what I needed, to be as strong mind and body as I could be. And to this day, I don't let it define me as a person. I'm not the daughter, sister, aunt, wife or friend that has had the "BIG C". I'm Shannon. And there was never a doubt in my mind that I wouldn't beat the shit outta this!
I'm still full of "piss and vinegar", as my folks would say. I have big hair and don't care. I'm chatty and outgoing. I love my family and friends more than they could ever even know. And my heart is huge! Cancer for sure came at the worst time, but would there have ever been a good time?! NO!!! So I just did my best with what I had, that was my own strength, and the love and support from loved ones near and far.
The word "CANCER", wasn't easy to hear. That was the first cry in the shower. My mind went to the place of, "what's next?” As much as I personally of course thought about myself, all I could think about was the fact that my poor family is in another country and this is going to be so hard for them. That my poor husband is going to hit an all time low with his depression. And what was even more important to me was, “ what was and still is the best way to work through my thoughts and feelings so they don’t take over my life?” Because for those of us cancer patients and survivors, we often feel like cancer has taken over our lives. But I choose to look at it as though, my life has been made to yield for a while.
I don't ever want to have a defeatist attitude towards things. Especially towards having cancer. If I gave in to all the negative emotions and attitudes, then I would feel anger. And to me, that is a wasted emotion. I can’t change the fact that I had cancer. I can’t change the fact that I now have a substantial scar running horizontally down my stomach. I can’t change the fact that I knew there wasn't going to be one part of this that's easy. For me, or anyone who loves me. But what I did know, was that I am strong in mind and soul. That no matter how painful, how tender, how bruised and beaten I felt inside and out, that I was surrounded by people who cared for me. And that I also had my own back.
Having cancer and going on this incredible journey of something so unknown, hasn't made me think about my life in that I should be living in every moment, because I always have. I have always loved truly, madly and deeply. I never take things for granted. I’m a great daughter, friend and wife. I have always chosen to live my life the way I wanted to live it. And if having cancer has taught me anything, it has taught me not to change my life and the way I live it, but to also not feel guilty for the decisions or choices I make. To say my piece, go through my emotions, and then leave them there.
We have this one incredible life that has been given to us, in one way or the other. It’s our right as it’s individual owner to take care of it. To breath life in and out of it, and let those shoulders drop. Cancer isn't easy. It sucks, BIG TIME!!! But I believe that through all the hardships we may see ourselves in at any given time, we owe it to ourselves to fight back. To be as strong minded as we can. And to feel, cry, scream, laugh, smile, and just BE. The fact is that we are all going to die one day, and some of us may be taken too soon. This is a very sad reality. But in the meantime, recovery from cancer for me, has taught me that I’m doing alright, that I always have, and nothing will stop me from thinking one step at a time, one day at a time. I have made some amazing memories in my life and I know I will make many more.
So no, having cancer hasn't changed my life, it’s simply just reassured me that the life I have is pretty damn special, because I created it’s value!
