It has been a tough few weeks for us here in my little family of 2. Well probably much longer than just a few weeks, but the past few weeks have really shown their challenges. I don’t want to talk about having cancer because sometimes it can seem like that is always the lead of the conversation. And it gets tiring for me to explain or think about. And then there are people out there that I am sure, and would bet money on, that just don’t want to hear about it anymore. Well I have a few things to say about that. Firstly, if you are one of those people that doesn’t want to read or hear about my health journey, then you can piss off and stop reading or following, and I wish that you NEVER have to experience anything even remotely this tough in your life. And if you do, I can tell you this, I promise you that I will be here for you to reach out to. I will always listen and give the very best advice I have. Because…..you are human, and you matter!
And secondly, as much as it is exhausting to talk about this shitty thing called cancer, that has jumped into my life uncontrollably, this is what I want everyone out there to read slowly, really pay attention, and let it absorb. THIS IS NOW MY LIFE! I don’t want for it to be, I can’t change it, or take it back. So instead, I now live a life that is more mindful in body and mind. I am constantly aware ( or made aware) of every twitch and pain, or every baggy eye lid from lack of sleep, and the sheer fact that my whole life within one doctors appointment has drastically changed. And yet, with all these things going on, and so much more, I still hold my head above water and tread like my life depends on it. Because it does!
On top of the obvious, the reason my last few weeks has been hard, is that my husband has really been struggling along. For those of you that don’t know, he was diagnosed with depression pretty much as soon as we arrived in New Zealand, and it has been an on going daily battle. However, we both put in a lot of work to help him along his journey of mental wellness. But what people don’t see, is that it truly is, a battle for the BOTH of us. Just like my cancer has affected him, his depression affects me. My husband has been doing so great, but my health issues are still on going, and I could tell they were getting to him. Or something was, but my health was the obvious matter.
We have a very open and brutally honest relationship. So when either of us needs to be called out on our shit, we do it. However, more recently, when I could tell that all of a sudden my husband went from having a great day with me, being interactive and having fun, his face changed to what I call “dead face”, and he seemed emotionless. I asked him what was going on. I got the grunt and “nothing” answer. Well we all know that’s not true. So with more investigation and open communications, without raised voices, name calling and judgement…it all came out! Now I know my husband better than he knows himself, or would EVER admit, so I had a very good idea what was happening with him and why.
What people don’t see from the outside looking in, is that as much as things are, for the most part, amazing, that for every amazing moment, there are some shitty ones thrown in - just for good measure! For those people out there that think, “it’s cancer, you’re not the only one that has gone through or is still going through this”, I get that. But until you’re the one that this effects in any way, shape or form, you really have no idea. And I can say that from experience. Before I had cancer I had no clue what people were really going through. I knew that it couldn’t be easy for them, and my heart went out to them because I felt helpless. But that’s where it stops. As the unaffected person, you go on about your life. You drink your coffee, go grocery shopping, have family/friend dinner parties, and for the most part life just trucks along. And I’m happy for you. But for my husband and I, in OUR situation, it’s not that simple. We wish it was. And can only hope that it will be again, one day sooner, rather than later.
The fact that my husband has depression has added another form of stress to this life of ours. As talked about in our very blunt conversation the other day, he is sick of me being sick. And tired of me feeling tired. He has said that he feels like me having cancer and then still being sick after my major surgery, has really ruined our lives. That having all the financial burden on his shoulders, is just that, burden. And the biggest thing is that he is worried that I haven’t got better, and feels scared that it’s been so long ( over a year now) and I won’t get better.
And so while we were having such an open and super blunt conversation, I then took the opportunity to say exactly how I was feeling as well. I had told him that while I COMPLETELY understood where he was coming from, and can TOTALLY appreciate every single word he said, that I thought he was being very selfish. And if I was not as understanding and as patient as I am, I would tell him, almost daily, to get over himself. Which is the LAST thing anyone that struggles with depression wants to hear. But ….since we were being honest right!
I had told my husband that while I understood what he was saying, and didn’t disagree with him, that he was seeing it very one sided. He knows I am sick and tired off all this cancer/ surgeries shit, but he wasn’t thinking of how I am actually feeling about it all. I’m the one that holds us together. Yes I am the opinionated one, I speak up and if I have something to say I want to be heard, but guess what…so does he! And that’s one of the reasons why we work. Through the journey with MY health, I have had to make sure that I worry about my husband. And as much as I think this may be a fault of mine in some ways, I have always put him first.
That perhaps wasn’t, and isn’t always the right thing to do, but that’s me. I now know I need to find balance within that. And my point here is this. It’s not just been a cancer diagnosis, its been a battle. I still feel low if I need to that day. I have those days that I’m tired and therefore have a couch day. But everything that both my husband and I knew, doesn’t exist. And hasn’t existed for over a year. I’m now facing the very real possibility of my third surgery, and while that doesn’t bother me in the least, it just means, more recovery time. Which means, more being tired, more couch time, more of my “old life” still being put on hold. Which then means, watching my husband get frustrated because he feels scared and helpless.
So, pushing forward, we are going to keep communicating, as hard as that may be at times. And we are going to keep treading that water, supporting one another, and being each others person. As I tell my husband, “we can’t give up now, or ever”. In order to stay strong, we need to find balance. We need to have open hearted understanding, and be the cushion for the other to fall upon. Now I may be hoping for a miracle here ( lol ), but I love my husband, or I wouldn’t have married his ass. In sickness and in health, till death do us part! ,
