"Time"

As I sit in what feels to be constant “recovery mode”, I spend a lot of my time really trying to focus on my body, what it’s telling me and what it’s needs are within my abilities. I am continuously chatting with other women that have also been through or are still battling cancer, and we can all relate to one another in many ways, most of which are not only physically but also emotionally challenging. You see, I think I can safely speak for us all that are affected by this disgusting, and what can sometimes be a debilitating disease, the fight is real. It’s not just as simple as, “ok you have a diagnosis, have surgery and or treatments and you may feel tired and or sick”. There is SOOOOOOOOOOO much more to it then that. What they don’t tell you when you are diagnosed, is that you need to quickly learn that you will reside yourself to your couch or bed. And for those of us that are so used to being outgoing, extroverted, and thrive best in social settings…this alone time is tough - never mind the actual diagnosis.

It feels like your whole life has been ripped from your fingertips. And we all handle things differently. That’s life. We as humans are all different and emotions are just that. So they can often take on a whole life of their own. And I know many women that hardly recognize themselves anymore. A cancer patients life becomes one of, that in which we are to succumb to the disease. You feel helpless, and out of control. These feelings can lead into frustration and feelings of anger and sometimes rage. The feeling that a life that you once were so involved in, and had a say in every filled moment, is now fully put on the back burner.

And that lovely word, “TIME”, that once meant so much to you and you held in such a positive light, is now the most hated word in your vocabulary. For me it’s become a word that I associate with patience. That of which I feel I have a lot of. But when you feel like absolute shit, it’s not just digging deep into your patience box, it’s finding a sense of keeping calm as well. Both of which can be extremely challenging and draining. All the waiting for test results, blood and urine sample results, scans, treatments and calls from health care professionals…it seems like you are always WAITING for something or someone to mic drop on your whole life.

Your loved ones, close friends, and even people who don’t know you all that well, are constantly asking you how you are. You find yourself sick of the sound of your own voice and the repetition of words that never seem to change. And yet you tell them how you are feeling, and that your life is sitting in the hands of a team of specialists, and what do your friends, loved ones, and practical strangers say???….”Oh just give it TIME, take it one day at a TIME”. And we know that those words are coming from a place of care and the feeling of helplessness, but it gets to a point that this is the last thing we want to hear.

Speaking from my own experience with this asshole called cancer, I struggle with the reality that from one day to the next, I can’t control how I’m going to feel. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and as far as we were told, “they got it all”. I couldn’t have wished for better right?! Right! I didn’t need radiation, or chemo, and I should just have hopped on the recovery train, gave it some TIME and that was that. But no, and as much as this would have been a perfect outcome, I ran into complications. So instead of just allowing myself and body the time it needed to recover well, and then jump straight back into my “old life”, I have had to surrender to the fact that my mind is just so much further ahead of my physical body.

We cancer survivors , be it still battling or have come out the other side of this hateful prick, have had to learn to be resilient in a different sort of way, then I believe, we even knew we could muster. You want to be your own advocate in terms of your health, but also with your general mind strength and power. I explain it like this. You are out in the ocean, and you’re a pretty good swimmer. The water seems relatively calm and you are confident. But then the wind hits, bringing with it crashing waves that are doing their very best to take your breath away. You are doggy paddling trying to desperately hold your head above water, bobbing up and down. You are hanging onto the hope that someone will see you and come to your rescue. But it continues, and it seems as though you have no idea the amount of “TIME” you have been out there, in those deep waters, bobbing up and down and grasping at every breath you can take.

This is exactly how I feel when I have done a bit more that day. When I have had a better sleep the night before, eaten right, and had a bit of exercise. And then suddenly, the following day comes along, to slap you straight across the face to remind you that your body isn’t quite what you want it to be. Its not what it used to be. You find yourself wondering,” will my life ever be what it was?” “Will I ever get the stamina back that once charged my life at 150%?” And these thoughts are then hard to rationalize when you just feel like you have been so positive and done everything that has been asked of you from your medical team, and yet it just doesn’t seem like its enough.

Insert that less than desirable word - TIME.

You see, as much as we the patients, know that things are going to take time. It doesn’t make it any easier to hear. Because we are living within our shell of a body, and have no control over the dictation of medicines, treatments, appointment times, results, the list goes on and on. We feel like sometimes all we are doing is waiting. You want to get and stay hopeful, you want your household to run like it used to. You want to play with your children and fur babies on the floor or in the ocean, and have full energy levels back. You want to return to work and feel productive for longer than an hour at a time. You hope to return to the gym and or get fit. You want to be intimate with your partner, and you want your social life back.

We the survivors GET IT! Believe me, we know that time is precious and that in many cases we have it on our side. But this major shift in our lives from feeling healthy and hopeful, and living full lives, has only made the word TIME speak more loudly to us. We now know how quickly our lifes precious moments can be ripped from our finger tips, and we feel envious of the time that has been taken from us, and the time that is staring us in the face with the word ,”unknown” strapped so tightly to it. So as hard as sitting around and feeling like I’m waiting for answers is, I choose to handle TIME the same way I did my cancer. I choose to make it my bitch! And TIME can wait for me, to build my body and strength back up to 150% and it can watch me live my life!