Since moving to New Zealand I have really tried to take a good look at my life and what areas are working and what need work on. At this stage of life, I’m learning so much more about who I am, and what my own life means to me. I’m evaluating the friendships I have and why they are part of my life. And more specifically, what is it they bring to my life as a purpose. The same thing in regards to family. I realize more now then ever, we should have people in our lives that bring something to it. That give you the space to be who you truly are and love you for it anyways.
I am also learning to say “NO”. To say no to more things then I used to. I can’t be everything for everyone around me. I’m happy to be there as a friend or loved one. I’m always a listening ear whenever it’s free. And I will always go out of my way to make sure that everyone else is happier than me. Because for a very long time now, I thought, if “they” are happy, then that makes me happy and that's enough. But it’s not enough.
I can see more clearly now, that setting my own personal boundaries is so extremely important for a happy and healthy life. That making choices based on what I feel is right for me, is and are, the best choices to make. This isn’t to say that I’m going to become a selfish cow and only worry about myself. I’m just simply saying that, I am learning! I’m saying that I think as women we do so much for everyone else. We spend a lot of time making sure everyone else is …ok. When what we need to be doing is taking a step back. It’s not our job to worry about what other people think…first and foremost. We can’t be everything to everyone, in terms of the “mother, cop, caretaker, peacemaker”. I can’t wear all those proverbial hats and still take care of my own personal needs.
Having cancer has been a big part in this lesson. For me, the hardest part of having cancer wasn't the feeling of lost hopelessness. It wasn’t the feeling of, “ holy shit how bad is this really?”. It wasn't the feeling of, “ is this it now, could I potentially die from this? They say they got it all, but did they? Is this going to come back?” Having cancer for me has been more of a life lesson in self preservation. It’s been learning how to truly put myself first in every sense of the word, when I have been so used to worrying about everyone else first. It’s taking the time out to have a nap if I need it, but to recognize I need it first.
The last big lesson I’m learning is to let go of guilt. For me, wearing all those proverbial hats comes with a feeling of quilt. That has been something that has been drilled into me, unintentionally, over the years, ever since I can remember. And more to the point, I have let it happen. That feeling of guilt is useless because, to get straight to the point, it does nothing to make ME happy. So now I work on noticing when that feeling comes upon me, and why. I recognize it, and let it go. That feeling of guilt brings along with it a certain type of anxiety that I just don’t need, and most often, don’t deserve.
Being able to set boundaries for yourself is so important. Knowing that it’s ok to say no and put yourself first, is so important. It doesn't mean that you are selfish or self centered. It just means that you are listening to your own body and it’s needs both mentally and physically. And the best part is, that in doing so you know your own self worth. You learn to walk your own path, and be proud of yourself for doing so!
