Let's Get Into It ( Part One )

My husband Billy and I were living in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. We were planning our wedding back home on my parents farm on the east coast in Nova Scotia. After the wedding we wanted to make a life change. So we were looking online at potential rentals/ property on the east coast, to check out while we were on our wedding /vacation, when an ad popped up for skilled shortages in New Zealand. We looked at each other and said…”let’s move to New Zealand!” So we opted for dumbing the wedding down to save money and kept the idea in our back pocket. We got married in August of 2016 and after the wedding headed back out to Calgary to prepare for our big life change. We sold everything we owned and stored a few bits and pieces. 7 months later and 5 bags in total of clothing and shoes( because lets face it neither of us was willing to leave our beloved footwear behind :) we arrived in New Zealand.

When we got off the plane, we were smacked in the face with heat and humidity. It was amazing! Plus, all of our luggage had arrived with us safely, which we all know is one of the many issues when flying anywhere, EVER! We had accommodation booked and grabbed a cab to the motel. When we arrived, the front door was shut and locked, the lights were dim, and there was no one to let us in or even speak to. So we waited, in the very early morning hours, in the dark, in a car park. Eventually, a couple hours later, someone did come to let us in, but not to check us in! We still had to wait for that. We had seen a sign for a Denny’s down the road, so we asked if we could at the very least, store our luggage in the office until check in and the lovely front desk girl said, “no worries!”. We changed out of our hot sweaty travel clothes, grabbed our valuables, and went to Denny’s for some breakfast and to waste the time away. It was that early that it seemed the rest of the world hadn’t woken yet, so we were patient…tired but patient. We were just glad to have arrived safely and hey, we were on our way to starting a new life in beautiful New Zealand!

When the sun had fully come up, we checked into our 2 star Motel for our 2 day stay. Billy slept for 16 hours, and I was still buzzing from all the travel and big life change. So true to me, I got chatting with the front desk lady and any strangers I met. Our plan was to buy a car, which we did the very next day, and we headed to the city of Hamilton. I like to “wing it” when I travel, so we didn’t bother to pre book a long term rental property for when we arrived. Plus we didn’t even know where we were going to end up, so figured we’d just rock up and explore, get a feel for things and figure something out when the time came. We very quickly realized that we were shit out of luck when it came to finding some place to live. It was rowing season and apparently the whole area books up quickly and completely.

So the first thing we did was head to the mall and bought a cell phone. We sat in the underground parking lot and I googled and called every place I could find. The phone had very limited battery as it was brand new and not fully charged, and just like my husbands patience at this point, it was going dead fast. So he ran back into the mall to grab a charger. A few more calls later and I finally hit the jackpot! A lovely lady didn’t have anything available for us but put us on to an older couple that had just opened their AirBnb and we were the second couple to stay there. What was supposed to be 2 days, ended up being 2 weeks, and to this day we have a wonderful friendship with the owners and lovingly call them our “kiwi mom and dad”.

Billy and I found a little country cottage to move into, but it wasn’t quite what we had hoped for, so it didn’t take us long to move. We found another place to move into, right in town, and life was moving along. Or so I thought. But Billy had been struggling. He just wasn’t happy. He seemed so annoyed, distant, emotionless and even disconnected. And one Sunday afternoon, after his shower, he was in the bedroom for what was longer then normal. I went in to check on him and he was in bed, naked in fetal position, crying is eyes out. It almost broke my heart, and it was all I could do to hold back my own tears. I just held him and asked what was wrong. He caught his breath and simply said…” I don’t know, but I can’t live like this”. So I wiped his tears, got him up and he took it upon himself to google “depression.co.nz” and took the quiz on the website. All signs led to depression, but he wanted to go to the doctor to be sure. We made an appointment and sure enough, he was diagnosed with depression and placed on medication. From there on out…our lives changed, majorly. The events that followed were either going to make or break us.

Billy was really suffering. He had a job in his plumbing field but it wasn’t in the commercial side of things, which didn’t align with what we were told and therefore expected before coming here. With his mental health the way it was, he really struggled with the changes. He slept, A LOT! He was very emotional and often cried from his own frustrations. He felt very overwhelmed and had little to no motivation. All he wanted to do was be in bed, or lay on the couch, and he was always cold. So I went to the library, and did some research of my own around mental health. I took some books out in which Billy and I both read, I wanted to make sure I was following along so we were both on the same page, literally. I got him into counselling sessions, which I joined in on for support. But I let Billy lead his journey. He had to be the one to put in the work to tap into the “why’s, where’s, and how’s” of his depression, so he had the tools to help himself on this long road.

While Billy was working, I did my best to set up our life here in NZ. I just wanted to take as much pressure off him as I could. I also wanted to still make sure that he was kept in the loop of things, and had a say on our lives. The last thing he needed was to feel more like an outsider of his own life. So I did, and still do my best, which to be honest, isn’t always as simple as it sounds. But we got where we needed to be then, and the road is looking shorter every day! During the day I would text or call Billy while he was at work to check in on him. There were many days he would break into tears, or find the most simplest of things too hard. I remember one day thinking, “he has to get to a place that he can learn to be present in his own moments, and find the positive in those times”. So I began asking him randomly, to tell me three positive things about his day. He tried to be sweet and say something about me being there for him, but I wouldn’t let him use that as an easy way out. He had to stop, think about his day, and really look outside himself for the answers. He didn’t want to see people, leave the house ( other than to go to work and even that was a push). But we just kept at it, and we got there. I will never forget the day that I asked him about his three positives and he started by saying..” when I left for work this morning I heard a rooster across the paddock, I don’t remember ever hearing that rooster.” But I can tell you all, that rooster had been there for weeks. This was a major win!

I wanted to make sure that he knew that we would get there together as a team. I made sure that he never felt alone, that he always felt supported by me and loved without judgement. After all he was still the man I married, he just needed a safe place to allow himself to fall and be held. From everything I now know, those that suffer from mental illness need to know that there are others that care for them. That they can trust to open up to someone fully and completely. Like many of us, we need to dig up all the “stuff” that is deep within us and talk about it. My husband is one of the most quiet people I know. Throw in the male ego on top of that, and this lends itself to one’s inner critic trying to run the whole show. But I have to be honest in saying, that I come from a tough love family. And while there is a place for that in this world, and I most definitely have used some tough love on my husband( and still do ), there were many times that just wouldn’t be the answer. He didn’t want to become a hermit in his own life. He didn’t want to be so emotional and almost feel scared of his own life. And he most certainly didn’t want his wife to see him in any state that may be deemed as “weak”.

We live in a world that TELLS us that we should, “toughen up, get over it, have a cup of concrete and harden up”. But so many don’t ask themselves how in the hell could this be useful? It’s like TELLING someone to feel, be and do better then their personal best. How can we ask that of someone, when that very someone can’t do it for themselves. It’s ridiculous. We need to come from a place of understanding and patience. And always remember, that what one person is going through and how they experience things within their own thoughts and feelings, could be very different from our own. Don’t get me wrong, there were many times early on that I wanted to shake my husband and say.. “come on, snap out of this”, but I also took the time to learn, and most importantly LISTEN to him. Now there were times that I didn’t make his life super simple. After all, we didn’t move around the world to spend our lives inside and on the couch all day. I remember one Sunday, that was our typical grocery shop for the week day, I was exhausted, and feeling run down. Billy looked at me from the couch and said, “ when are YOU going for groceries?”. And I just quickly and calmly answered with, “ I’m not going to the grocery store, YOU are.” Well he was NOT impressed, but knew better then to argue with me. He got himself up off the couch, and dressed. I gave him the list of groceries and off he went. He wasn’t long…But you know what, it did him the world of good. He actually had color in his face, he didn’t speak to anyone, and he helped do a chore for US. So I then started making plans for the weekend days. I would allow him some down time, aside from his depression, he is an introvert and therefore recharges by doing something just for himself. I would plan short day trips, and just let his moods guide me as to when I should take us home. I still wanted him to experience life here, and do little things that we could make memories to look back on. Some days were absolute torture, for the both of us. I was always very excited and he would be completely deflated. It was as if I was doing the activity alone or with a stranger. But we just kept at it, and have some great pictures and memories to look back on.

I didn’t get a job right away because it just wouldn’t work. Not the way things were. I so badly wanted to get a job as I love working and making my own money. I wanted the opportunity to meet new people and make new friends in our new home. But I needed to keep our life as routine as I could. I needed to make sure I could answer Billy if he called during the day and talk to him, help to calm him and perhaps even make him smile. I needed to be home to make meals and his lunches, and to continue to set up our new lives. Then one day I noticed a small mark on my forehead. It was sore, but I didn’t think much of it. Then I became more run down, and now understand that stress has such a crazy drastic effect on the body. I went to the doctors to see if I could get some answers and discovered that I had shingles on my face. Argh! The frustration, the pain! Now sure I should have slowed down a bit, and I did have to take some time to be on the couch and rest, but only while Billy was at work. Having me sick wasn’t helping him. In that moment I thought to myself, what the hell next?! It can’t get much worse then this, but boy was I wrong…